cant beat this it seems...was having a bit of trouble breathing..well getting in enough air and trying to talk at the same time frustrating to not be feeling better..i dont know..trying to avoid the doc but if it keeps up im gonna really have to go..and the resistance im getting to the doc and going is massive and a little overwhelming..but i am able to breathe right now..but yeah i can tell that my body is working pretty hard to get air in and all of that..i dont think im gonna see my client tonight and reschedule for friday again...body is worn out..and instead im gonna sit in the office and get work done...cas that keeps me still and in one place and all of that fun stuff..and well i dont want to drive a lot right now cas of not feeling so great...bodywise i feel like im just going to fall apart at the seams ....saw pdoc and t today..and i just managed to get to pdoc and not be late lol..although darn it for the whole 5 minustes i was in her office! but she just gave me more scripts and i told her that im doing ok and dont want to deal with any med changes for now..so not much to talk about it her..and then saw t and it was well a mess...she is changing offices next month and that is really bothering me a lot..like a lot a lot..and i dont know what to do about it..because on the surface i can see and understand that i am overreacting...but inside its a big deal..and its a change..and no no no..was ready to cry in her office cas of the immediate overwhelming feelings and fear that was associated around all of that...i dont know what the major underlying problem is though..i cant get my head to stop and think long enough to even begin to figure out what the major problem is..because it was causing a shut down..like couldnt deal with..and a few times she asked if i was even listening to her...and that in turn lead to talking about feeling trapped and mommy..and mentioned something about being physically held and not allowed to move but didnt go into details about that and im hoping that it passed by t ..and i wont have to talk about it later ..but knowing t she caught it but didnt ask me about it...and then we had to talk about the insurance part of things and she mentioned me going down to every other week which also led to panic..and immediately feeling like i needed to be in crisis so that i can keep seeing her..and feeling like she didnt like me cas she is changing things and trying to not see me..and i know that the way im thinking isnt true in the slightest..but well logic is not my friend right now..and i told t that i would feel overwhelmed later once i have been able to think about things and process..and all of that..and already i feel sad and closed off...i dont want to be around anyone and if i had my way i would be like at home hiding under the blankets crying..and it is taking a lot of self control to even stay in the office right now because i really do want to run and hide and not deal with any of this..because its upsetting..all we talked about today is upsetting and im mad at t for upsetting me..i just want things to stay the way they are and not change..but things are changing and i dont like that...it makes me feel so inadequate to deal with my life..and i feel like im not needing the support any more..and now im going to go out of my way to make sure i get it..and that means doing stupid stuff knowing that i will get a reaction..i want someone to react to me to notice me...all of this getting better..of dealing and coping and growing up..is throwing me for a loop and i feel like ill just get so much better that i wont even be here anymore..no one will notice me or see me..or want anything to do with me..and it makes me not want to be better and dealing with stuff...i dont want t to tell me that she can see the progress in me..i dont want pdoc to tell me that i dont have to come back for 3 months because im managing..i dont want to be better anymore
i dont want to not be able to see t..i dont want to not have support or anyone to listen to me anymore 
ok i think ill go and hide now..
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