once again..i allow others to influence me

talked about dependence today in therapy...and it was more of a chat about dependence on therapy as a whole and not specifically dependence on my therapist..and it was interesting becuase she brought up the conversation..and then it was one of her 'this is how i see it convos'..and i just wasnt having it and yeah..but i guess she is right..cas she mentioned there being a time when i was not going to need therapy and i got scared and started to back pedal in a way..i mentioned staying in crisis just so that i would be able to stay in therapy..cas of course she talks about ending and i immediatly jump into like stopping next week or something..and its not like that..and so yeah..she just mentioned that she felt i was dependent on therapy and that it was that dependency that gets in the way of my healing..what happens when i get 'better' and have to stop seeing t...yeah its a lot of money and my bills is so high..but still its like..i cant see myself without therapy..even though i dont want to be in therapy..i dont know..i just confuse myself...but yeah talked about my current 'crisis' mode that is going on..and yeah im feeling ok and everything..but there is still a lot going on and well she had me identify all of them and well yeah..there is a lot hanging over me..and its disappointing i guess that i still dont know what to do...stay or go...and then i had a conversation today with my 11 yr old kid that i babysit all the time at home..and seriously he is ready for me to go home like yesterday...told me i could move into there house..and i would find a job and not hve to pay rent..and that he would find a spot for dusti and bounce..and i almost gave in...almost gave in to knowing that if i went back home..i would have a steady side income coming in..that i could live without rent for a while until i got back on my feet again..all sorts of pros i guess..but then i had to stop and remember that the most massive of cons is the living back at home..or even near home..that it would be to much contact with mommy..and im not sure about that..even if i moved into the city and didnt live at home..the expectations would be there..the intent that i was close enough to go home and so then i should go home...there wouldnt be any boundaries...there really wouldnt...but i can see the postives at the same time..and then i get confused..the desire to be at home..and the desire to be away from home are at war with each other right now...cas im just not sure where i want to go or what i want to do..i want to stay..i want to go..i want to start over..but im just afraid to pick up and just leave...and even now..im just stuck..i just feel stuck..because either way i have to come to a decision..and its a decision that i have to make soon...and i guess the pressure to hurry up and decide in there...and i just keep thinking..i spend hours searching for jobs in different areas..i look for apartments..i consider the prices and the areas and where i was comfortable...the funny thing is that i really dont think mommy wants me to be at home..not with both bounce and dusti..she keeps mentioning me moving to sc or a different part of nc or living in the city near home...but not necessarily at home.. she says that i enjoy my space..and that i enjoy my animals and that i shouldnt go back to just living with someone else..and there is a lot of truth in that...there are pros and cons to living with other ppl..it is nice having someone to talk to..knowing that im not completely by myself when im having a hard time..and that i have other ppl around to do stuff with..or to cook for ..or to just talk to about silly things...all things that well i dont do when i live alone..i cant isolate completely living with others...that i have realized....but i know that once i go back to living alone i will have that need to isolate..to be alone..to be quiet..forgotten.. really i just miss my things..my books..my stuff..and i know that it is time to move on soon..and i understand that ..and i can live with that..but still i try to hang on..and to keep things from changing..i hate change..and really the next move is going to be my last for a long long time i hope..i really do...im tired of packing and moving and changing .. i just want to stay put for a while..and i have been in va for over a year now..and i think this is the longest i have been in one place...i think i manage like a year or so before moving some place else..or going home or something..and im trying hard not to go back home..but well with the way things were with my last apartment..i may have screwed myself big time...ugh..but still trying..still planning on catching up and paying things off..and just making better choices all around...gotta get things taken care of all around ..and so the stress will lessen..

also talked about the possible lack of insurance that will be coming up and coming up fast...because of my bill i may not be able to stay in t weekly..we touched on that but not really..didnt really get into it..and well with my bill being so high im not sure the place will be as accepting this time around..but trying not to dwell on that..and even if i tried to pay for the insurance out of pocket..it will be almost 400 a month...pretty much...but the benefit would be umm that i would be able to stay in t and get meds..and go to the doctor..and i think the pay off..well the benefits would out weigh the cost..i really do...but well without both incomes im down to just one job..and well im wondering seriously where that extra money is going to come from you know...im trying to be sensible and not overwhelm myself..and i know that by next week ill have 3 clients..and a possible 4th if i get back my other 12yr old..which would be over 40 hours a week..which is what i need...maybe it will all work out some how..but still i wont see the increase in my pay checks until like the middle feb check...and so it is still a waiting game..in some ways...i almost just want to stop looking for a job for now and just focus on getting in more hours...and getting a steady 40 hours..even without benefits..a few steady checks is what i need right now..and its important that i catch up..money wise and bill wise so that ill be able to afford to get a place and live somewhere..thats important right now...not moving..or getting a new job...and once again i think im just looking at all of this the wrong way...

honestly what do i want to do? i want a steady pay check more than anything else..and what will it take to get that ? getting in my hours and seeing clients ..thats my job right now..thats what i have to do..see clients..do paperwork...and get paid ..thats what i have to do...and if i dont then i will just keep being stuck and not have the money to do anything at all...and im letting everyone else influence what it is i want and what it is that i think i want to do...yes i want to move to sc..but if i cant afford to move then why stress myself out trying to get there ? why have i put a time limit on all of this stuff when there is no one forcing me to go anywhere..well maybe mommy but she can only do so much you know...i keep getting sucked into letting everyone else tell me what i need to be doing and mommy is just so good at it..when i know what i need to be doing..i know what i need to be working on..i really do..and i just need to put my attention and focus on that..because things cant stay the same forever..and im sick of this constant struggle with money and security..and stability..im tired of just feeling so unstable with everything...im sick of owing everyone money you know...linda talked to me today about reining in the younger parts of me yet again..about wants and needs and instant gratification..which of course they just werent hearing..things are heavily in 'i want' mode..and im guessing its a carryover from the holidays...and the issues with impulses and wanting things and having things is really a very big and deep issue..there are a lot of little parts to it..and there is knowledge that mommy does bribe me horribly..and that i am able to be bribed..because wanting things override my good sense to say no..but then i know saying no doesnt do anything to mommy and so i just kinda figure its better to take what is being offered..and its like ive learned a really not so good behavior...ive learned to be very materialistic..and very unhappy not having the best..not having the top of the line..not being able to live how i want...i grew up around families that are very well off..i babysit for a family that is very well off and im jealous of what they have..im jealous they can buy whatever they want..whenever they want it..and there is no struggle to make ends meet..there is no worries about whether you need to spend money on gas or groceries...the kids i babysit for will never have to struggle for a damn thing and its not fair..i should be happy for them..but they know they have money..and they know that they will get what they want..and i just never had that love and family and all of that to fill the need i guess..whatever that need is...instead i was given stuff..i was bribed..i took what i wanted..i like spending money..and i like being able to go to the store and buy whatever it is i want..even if i know good and well i dont have the money to be doing it...its not the shopping that is appealing..its the need to spend money..to know that i can buy something..that i can afford something..i dont want to have to realize that i really dont have money..or that i cant afford something...i cant accept a no when it comes to spending money..and well i guess thats not completely fair..i can tell myself no..it may take hours and a lot of arguing with myself..but i can get a no and not buy something..and just as fast as i say no i see something else or i want something else and i buy that because i was just 'good' and didnt buy something else...there is no balance..and cant handle money..i cant handle wanting stuff..i cant handle being happy with just what i have...everyone else has more than me..everyone else has better stuff..everyone else is better and i just keep trying to hang on ..to fit in some how..like if i buy enough stuff ill be liked..ill fit in..ill feel normal..connected..something..buying stuff allows me to keep up in some way...emotionally im not really my age..and most of the time i dont even act my age..but if im buying stuff..and spending money..then im an adult..im keeping up..im not being left behind .. i dont know.. lots of conflicting thoughts right now...