not a positive week

back to feeling like a complete nut case..very scared and worried for dusti and have to call the doc today..and trying to prepare for that..and just avoiding things right now cas of waiting until its time to call..scared of the news..worried for the news...really wanting to talk to t but have to wait for tomorrow..and just feeling on edge and anxious...and scared

i havent felt like writing at all :(


dusti is very sick and in the hospital..and after spending two days crying my eyes out..i had a sorta good day yesterday and now today the constant crying is back..-sigh-  im just scared..and worried...hoping for good news you know..but very scared...

and then all the stuff in t and all of that melt down..and then not having the right meds..and yeah..its been a mess of a week...it really has...and im hoping this week is better...if i dont do my work stuff this morning ill be fired..which wouldnt be good..so im about to start all of that..and i know ill be able to get it done..i just ugh..need to catch up yet again..and i will...i want to keep my job..so i need to do my job..and unfortunately my job involves paperwork..and so yeah..no fun but i gotta quit slacking off on it..and just get it done like im supposed to...so yeah...suckish..but oh well...so yeah all late stuff has gotta be turned in today..and ill go from there...

and yeah gotta work on a new apartment all of that in the coming weeks..by the 1st of march im gonna have to have a game plan..and im gonna have to work on sticking to it and not giving up..so back to apartment searching..and perferably finding one with a month of free rent..that would be awesome and give me some extra time to catch up on money and stuff...yeah..cas this time im going carefully and ill be alone so i have to have a steady plan..and not let unexpected things get in the way..if i want to stay in va then i have to act like im going to stay in va...and i have to start working on things like im going to be staying..and not just kinda pretending thing will just fall into place..unfortunately the world does not work like that..and i think i keep getting myself to think that it does..like things are going to just fall into my lap because i want them to and not because of hard work...now ive got to start working on stuff...yeah...thats the plan...