today im left wondering if i have tried hard enough to get things worked out here in va...i feel stupid and very much like a child right now..i wonder if i have just continued to mess things up for myself and i just need to go ahead and give up and move home...thats where things are going right now...moving home...and ive cried for the past hour thinking about this and hoping that it wont happen and at the same time beginning to prepare for it to happen...
my time is pretty much up at heathers house..and she let me know this morning ...we were texting back and forth this morning and it turned into a convo about money and me moving and how i was going to work things out...and it ended up with me feeling like she thinks that its all my fault and that i just dont manage my money and that i didnt save..and now im out of time and now i just kinda need to figure out where im going and move there..whether it be home or not... and i feel pressured..and out of luck and resources and everything..and i dont know what to do right now..i completely gave up hope today..i dont feel like i can manage..i feel like i am worthless and that i have yet again failed completely..at trying to live on my own..and i just feel like trying to make it on my own is just a waste of time and that i need to just go ahead and give up and go home...and that could happen in the next month and a half...if im going home i will be home by march..and thats the end of that..if i move to my own place in richmond it will be by march..and pretty much feb is my last chance to get money and to get things paid and get enough money to move...and i have to figure out what im going to do..and i dont knowwhat to do..i want to just shut down and stop thinking about all of this...im stuck right now..and very very tearful and upset...
i feel like i have tried my hardest..yes there have been times that i completely wasted my money..and then there are times when i have worked with nothing...my parttime job for this month has given me less than 600 dollars and my old job has flaked on my last checks..what am i supposed to do with that? how am i supposed to manage with that? and then i have medical costs..therapist costs...unexpected costs...im had to get my car repaired..ive had to pay my tickets..and court costs..ive worked with getting my checks weeks late..and yes im still behind becuase of that...im sorry im continuing to fail in all of this.. and that im still struggling ..and i cant expect a married couple who have there own lives to continue to help me and allow me to live in there home..i know it was short term..i understand it was short term..and i havent been able to catch up and so that means i need to figure out what im going to do..and i have to figure it out fast..
and now dusti and bounce are sick..and i need to take them to the vet..and yes i called my brothers and sisters to borrow money because i dont have it..and i wont have the money until the 1st of next month..and i dont think i can wait until then..im scared for them..and i dont like them not feeling well...i dont like that heather and her husband both think that i am irresponsible and that i cant manage my life ..a.dn i guess to them i dont have it together..and i dont have a plan or good stable finances or anything and so im just kinda floundering around and not making progress or anything .. and its hard..and i do feel like im failing ...i do..and i guess im not getting the validation that i am trying hard enough or any of that ..and it stinks because i just keep ending up feeling like a failure..i am a failure
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