endless things

50 million things to do and it suddenly feels like there is not enough time in the day for anything

never assume

'Fortunate are the merciful, who fight without hatred or hate without remorse..'
'speak the truth even if it leads to your death'
'here at the end of the world you are not who you were born but who you were meant to be'

today has been dull but fun and entertaining i eventually..wasted most of the day playing the sims 2 and did a little bit of cleaning and more video games because breaks make the day more interesting..specially if they last for hours at a time..yvonne got home from rehearsals early and we ended up walking to walgreens and the grocery store and out to dinner..and i watched her get frustrated at her sims family she made and didnt know yet how to control..and given for first time players sims is hard to get a handle on..it took me a couple days to get the hang of this one..so it was a bit funny..but i still helped her..and i got her a couple cards because her play opens this week and ill miss opening night so i have to wish her good luck and everything..there cute but i think she will like them..counting money is depressing but i know i wont be able to get narnia when it comes out on tuesday..no matter how much i want to count it i cant come up with extra money right and that royally sucks but once again not the end of the world..and yvonne got me a disney magazine covered in narnia pictures :) and a kitten calendar and a card..she really sees something in me i dont see well i dont believe and thats not the same thing i dont think...we are watching kingdom of heaven now because well the movie has its funny parts and the whole im so marrying orlando bloom and if i have to stalk him yvonne has promised to go to jail with me to keep me company..but the movie is good too of course but there is a benefit in completely drooling over the main actor..and yvonne has given me almost all of her orlando stuff with captions that i have all over my room...and minus the big cut out that scares the heck out of me if im not careful i love all of it..ok im so off subject now..umm i did have a point when i strted i think..oh we got on the subject of cutting tonight a little bit..but it wasnt about me and i really dont think she knows..she was looking through a reader digest and she said she wished she had last months because there was an article on cuttnig and she wanted to read it..she said valerie did it..and since she said she didnt know how to help im guessing she still does it..but i know valerie a little bit like general stuff i guess..she was just here for a week, same as last year and here for yvonnes birthday over the summer and i didnt guess it or assume it or anything because i had no reason too..but yvonne brought it up and i told her i had a boook on it but that it was stupid..i told her i kinda knew a little bit about it but i didnt explain anything...i guess its kinda the same..i dont think valerie would have brought it up if she did question the scars on my arm..but she blamed them on dusti as a lot of people do...i read somewhere that s/i could be dubbed as the cat did it disease and that would mean there were some mean cats running around..and letting dusti take the blame for osmething she didnt do does make me feel guilty..but i dont correct it either..i know where dusti scratching me at and i can tell the difference but ppl see scars and if they know i have cat then the first thing is has your cat been scratching you or the cat scratched you...yvonne saw them before i ever got a cat but i told her i was in a car accident..i told her it gave me a lot of scars..and she hasnt questioned it since..even when i walk around with my wrist band on or when i have razors just laying all over my room when she comes in..right now i have qauze and bandaids all over my floor maybe razors too but she doesnt ask and idont say anything..not many come right out and ask..i wonder why though..im almost certain i would lie about it anyway..until i got my other journal online yvonne wouldnt have even known half the stuff she found out and even that isnt much..just that i caan get a bit depressed at times and the one time i half wrote about it she was worried..serious worried and wrote me this whole list of stuff about why she needs me..i keep a copy of it in my bag..its one of those things i know ill have forever and reading it makes me smile...but i guess it goes the same way..no one would assume i cut myself and gave myself all the scars and burns the same way i dont assume anyone else does it..if nothing else we are incredibly good hiders with all of it...

time moves up

i knew the time was moving up once i started seeing stuff online about it yesterday otherwise i would have gotten up and seriously been wondering if all the clocks were just wrong...so then i had to remind everyone so i wouldnt forget lol..i miss my watch but ill have to wait about getting a new battery for it and im not really sure where to go to get a new one..i see the signs all over the place when i dont need it and once i do i cant remember anywhere ive seen them..

finally have the house to myself again since valerie went home yesterday.not that she was in the way or anything i just like being by myself and after doing it for almost a year im kinda used to having things my way..but now things are back to normal i guess..same old boring stuff..still slacking off in almost all of my work due next week..3 papers..it would have been two if i would finish correcting the other one..i have to clean up and everything since i left the kitchen a mess..interview is tomorrow and i have my senior summary thing tomorrow too..its going to be a busy week and then home for the week and home next weekend too..trying not to stress about anything because im finally back into an even normal feeling...reg stresses but not a lot of extra stuff..prolly had something to do with playing the sims 2 all weekend..great game though and really good at wasting time but now i have to get some stuff done and so ill play more tonight or something..i might have to put a time limit on it so i dont play it for hours and get anymore behind than i already am..yvonne mom came yesteray morning and brought us easter gifts..i have a singing duck now lol..a bunch of candy and a coloring book and a few other thigns..really fun and a really nice surprise. mommy will be out of town for easter so that will be ok too..hmm guess i dont have anything else to ramble about for now..after spending the better part of a week and a half stressed about everything theres just nothing left to stress about..and well stressing just doesnt help much..since i still havent done my work anyway

ugh

can this week get any weirder..i want milk, i dont like milk b ut i want it..and this started today in the middle of my class..i was just sitting there minding my own business and i just start thinking about how much i want milk..forgetting i dont like drinking it in the first place..so i went and got some after class and of couse it was strawberry becasue im not a fan of plain white milk..but i think ill h ave to give in and drink some..because what i had today didnt help much because right now all i want to think about is getting milk and we dont have real milk and i dont drink soy milk..so it looks like ill be investing in organic milk again for a little while until this is under control..so logically i can assume i must be really low on calcuim or ssmething..why must i crave food i dont like ugh..

long day..but i did my presentation and actually got all dressed up..and made it through the presentation without to much stumbling over what i had to say..suffered through bio and actually passed the quiz today with higher than a 70..skipped policy..and killed my feet walking in boots all day..but im getting used to them..it took a lot longer this time to wear my feet out and now they are seriouslt hurting but its not to bad..ill just be wearing sneakers for a good long while..i dont think arran has ever seen me dressed up..i might shock her to death if i showed up dressed up..not in jeans and a sweatshirt lol..could be fun, maybe one day when ill be able to sit there without pulling at my shirt...went out to dinner tonight and learned that caramel apple, and chocolate martinis are really good..i actually went out and had less than two drinks! the veggie burger was good though and now im ready to go to bed but im chatting a little bit and looking up meanings of the milk thing

weird

after everything i wrote this morning i still went and half threw up..it was just not working this morning and so i stopped but then i was feeling weird for a long while..first because sometimes purging makes me really sick and because i didnt need to walk outside and be in the sun feeling that bad..its like being outside just made me want to go throw up and since i had to do thing on campus i was walking back and forth and started getting dizzy..and for a second really had to stop moving because i was really close to crying..and it was one of those you have so done this to yourself kinda crys..and the general crummy feeling and i wanted to go home and couldnt because i actually had to do woork today..so i did the logical thing and randomly dropped by teachers offices to stay busy and just my luck prof dunn was in her office..and we talked about school stuff for a little while and im going back on friday so she can help me with some homework stuff im been putting off..and then i went to dr bass's office and of course she was in too..after ive been looking for her for forever shes in her office today and we talked about my placement and shes really happy i got it to..and of course she would be the one to flat out ask about the cutting and she couldnt ask a yes or no question..no she wanted to know how often..given i pretty much avg once or twice a week and i told her as much but im still glad we couldnt talk long..since i wasnt feeling much like talking anyway..and then we run into dr miller on the way out and he asked me about the fin aid stuff whicch i still havent bothered trying to do or even finished deciding to do..and he keeps telling me they will help me with it..but i just dont know about htat...thinking about its like yes i could so use the money..im starting to worry a lot again about everything.. and im not doing my work and its like ok im not doing it but what the heck am i doing instead..and its nothing..literally i spend my days doing nothing..and yeet im still stressed eventhough i have the time to do all my work..i dont get it..yea im a bit more depressed than usual and maybe that has something to do with it..so anyway then i went and actually finished the project thing for tomorrow with kitta and im hoping it will go ok..i just want it to be over and done with now..im sick of looking at it...but we got it done and thats something..then i ended up going to a late lunch with yvonne and valerie and we played phase 10 for like an hour sitting in the resturant..then we went to the founders day party thing and got cupcakes and ballon thingys..i got a teddy bear on a stick and yvonne got a princess hat...but hers popped a little in like 10 mins..we ran into kenny and then made it home finally..spent the rest of the night watching tv and pigging out on pizza and talking to valerie since yvonne is at rehersal..but i think im going to bed soon..im tired..really really tired

stupid sun

is it just me or does the sun manage to get brighter every morning...maybe because it was so gray yesterday today is just an after affect and its not really that bright or maybe it should stop shining directly at my window..this is turning into a really depressing week..ive been trying to catch dr bass in her office for reasons i dont know yet, just want to see her i guess..and i told prof dunn yesterday that im seriously behind in all my worok and i am..working on the prject for tomorrow today with kitta and i have to do a couple things on campus before we meet and i dont need to hang out in bed all day even if it is what i want to do...and so i guess its good my new game hasnt gotten here yet becasue then i really wouldnt be doing any work...and i suck..and im a bit annoyed what i ddid yesterday and the nightbefore that arent hurting anymore..didnt really hurt to begin with...ive screwed up royally with eating and so yea i ate but without purging and no way i want to think about it makes it ok since it was pizza..i miss having the house to myself all the time..im just complaining a lot today..i forgot what i was thinking about this morning..something about being hyponotised could be fun in an incredibly creepy no idea what i would say kinda way..i think i would be really easy to hyponotise though and thats just creepy too..oh rant yesterday aboout being sick of everyone assuming ill do something or agree to something with out asking me..almost always ill say yes anyway but at least give me benefit of the doubt and ask anyway..maybe i should hide out in my room for a few days until i figure out the secret to disappear..maybe ill be doomed to suffer for eternity..and maybe im juts completely making things a lot worse right now than they need to be...but i sitll think the sun is stupid

nothing

i think it would have been a week and a half that i messed up by cutting last night..and so its like starting over tomorrow since i cant recount today...im supposed to be not eating today but that wont be working out since im feeling really sick right now..so ill stop being a dork and go get something to eat..everything is rreally starting to get to me..lots of work due that i havent finished..i keep trying to forget ill be going home next weekend..but a promise is a promise..and i think i slept wrong or something last night because im sore in the oddest places..

i would give anything for new blades

thoughtful content

now would be as good a time as any to just figure out a way to go away..but since im still half asleep from meds i didnt really need to take anyway and i dont feel like getting up just yet, all thats left is to write...not that i really have much to say..sleep is seriously becoming an issue..i sleep i swear i sleep and i wake up most days between 7 and 8 regardless of when i go to bed because saturday night i was up until after 2 and still woke up before 8..the problem is i want to sleep like all day..ive counted and i avg about 6 hours a night without taking anything..taking something i got around 9 hours last night..but i dont know why i want to sleep so much..i cant be awake less than 4 hours without wanting to take a nap..and when that goes away if it does then i know it will only go away for a few hours before im tired again..by 8 at night im completely ready to go to bed and if i actually did im almost sure i would sleep all night..and ive done that before..12 hours of sleep isnt the best thing ive ever done..i dont remember if it helped though..and napping during the day makes me not sleep at night..at first i thought it was the whole low iron part and i started taking the vitamins again..and since i didnt take them for a really long time im pretty sure my iron dropped alot and i dont know how fast it will build up again off of vitamins but ive only been taking them for a couple months now maybe..but now i think it might be worse than it was before..i just dont know why..i swear i sleep as in im not awake i dont think but when i do wake up its like i never went to sleep at all..im pretty sure i sleep now im not so sure what i do..maybe i never manage to get to the deep sleep stage part or something but i dont know..i was thinking about it last night and if i went to sleep everytime i got sleepy i would sleep away most of the day..id be up for less than 6 hours a day and that just doesnt make sense..maybe im not doing enough with my day or something...so i took something last night, to much of course but it will still put me to sleep and that i wanted..given it made me feel sick at the same time wasnt good though..i dont know sleep is stupid anyway and i dont see why it has to be so important..true ive never been a night person and when i want to go to sleep thats it i dont want to be bothered anymore, but im fine in the morning for a while so i dont get it..

funny thing i learned yesterday..leaving what i was feeling alone doesnt make them stay..because i was really mad yesterday more like bothered and annoyed but i think that fits in the mad catergory..and at first i was trying to make it stop and then i wrote and then i just stopped trying and put my energy into something else..and it was much later but eventually i realized i wasnt mad anymore..sad but not a big deal sad and that has stayed but its not to bad right now either..more like just feeling dejected about something i think..i read something about forgivness this morning and osmething about unhealthy interpersonal boundaries and the forgivness one made sense but reading it just makes it seem really easy and that annoys me because its not..then i thought its useless trying to forgive something i dont believe happened anyway..so acceptance still has to first anyway..still fighting the whole acceptance thing because i dont know..to many little ideas on it and i cant get to the main reason for it...everytime i wrote about it last week somewhere and got respones it all made sense but it still makes it seem to easy..maybe because it means i would have to let my guards down or something..in the last year my whole little protected world just started to fall apart and as much as i hate that it happened i guess it was time for it happen...unexpected but not the end of the world because i seriously ythink i started making another one..great now ive figured out i keep making safe places to the extreme and that would be what i call going away from awareness..i do it alot though..more than i should but i do like them better than the real world..now its like ok have them but know whats true and whats not at the same time..hiding in them and having them are two different things i think, and sense i have them for the purpose of escaping almost everything then they hinder more than help..even if i do prefer them to anything else...i hate to think that ill be stuck putting all of this together for the rest of my life however short it may be..i want to stop, i never wanted to know anything, forget i asked..but i guess that owuldnt work either..my head would find a way to make me rememeber and if i dont stop all the s/i stuff then im not forgetting anyway..just stopping for a while..i wonder if i stopped trying to stop all the emotions and stuff would i stop the s/i..i dont know i think it would make it worse..but if i used it to stop things then maybe it wouldnt make it worse..but i didnt cut yesterday when i wanted too..and im writing here because i dont want to cut..and now that im thinking about it again i want too..so ill finish what im doing now and go do something else like eat since its been a while and im starting to feel sick again..

ive been looking at the control thing i found online alot lately and the more i look at it the less it makes me mad or sad or anything..its just disappointing and hurts moreso because almost all of it is true..maybe i was just overly shocked when i found it the first time..its like rereading the toxic parents books..after the first time it gets easier..reading it still hurts but its not blinding denial either...now it just makes me think about everything, it scares me though..like one of these days ill actually know who i am and that im not a bad person..i think i live for the purpose of trying to make everyone see im horrible but no one believes me, not that i try incredibly hard to make it so..i just refuse to believe what they tell me instead..well im not sure now because i still really really want to believe mommy but funny only mommy can make me cry..i just dont like it..i dont like how much control she has over me and in a way i keep giving it to her..maybe i dont know any better or maybe i never saw it for what it was..maybe i didnt want to see it for what it was..

i dont know

i dont see how parents can not choose there kids over anyone else..i dont see why they do either especially if its a matter of safety of kids..it bothers a lot me that it happens..i watched bastard out of carolina again and its one of those movies that is made really really good but its one of those hard to actually like because it deals with child abuse...and ive seen it more than once..ive seen it enough to know the whole movie and still i just end up thinking the same thing..parents can really suck sometimes..and how in the world could anyone do that to a kid..the bad part being that it happens a lot and that sucks even more..now the fact that im alone just doesnt seem like its such a great idea..i cant even figure out where my head went...i feel so pissed off but i cant be that..more like i dont want to be that..and then i have to think about everything ive been hearing about the acceptance thing and its like ok then i know why im bothered i just dont know why i dont want it..if i let it staay it will wear off and ill just really really sad and i dont want that either...id rather just not feel anything..but for what its worth i guess ill try and if it doesnt kill me ill know its not so bad..maybe kinda sorta

saturday

today has been surprising..i foubd out that valerie was coming today for her spring bbreak not that i mind or anything at all..not like ill be around much i guess if i dont want to and then it wont really matter its not like shes my company and all the same i guess she will spend most of her time with yvonne...still it will be a little different not having the house to myself most of the day..guess i might actually have to do homeworkr and what not...so back today ended up going to see chronicles of narnia again and that was so cool since i had been trying to come up with a plan to see it while it was on campus all week..and i wasnt expecting to go and we end up going tonight which makes my fourth time seeing it and it comes out on dvd in a couple weeks and i cant wait..it is now one of my all time favorite movies and since ive seen it enough to know most of the words in it i was just going along watching the movie and thinking about how great it would be if narnia was a real place..i dont remember if i really like the books and i havent tried reading the books again but i know i wasnt a fan of the older movie..but this one i love and its so good..i dont have many problems iwth it at all..majorly cool...but talk about a great place to go when things are not great..i would love to go there if it was at all possible..but i know its not so oh well on that account..but still im so glad we got to go see it again..i dont even care that ive seen it four times..and then we went bowling aand i actually got the highest scoore the first game..that was the best ive bowled in forever not that i go bowling that often at all but still it was fun..came in second the next game but it was close...and then we went and played pool and that is one game ive never managed to get the hang off and since i was pretty much the worst of the three of us yvonne ended up pairing we me and we won but so not from my work..i got maybe 2 balls in and then managed to hit the white one completely off the table lol..now that takes talent! and came up and im still up and we played cards and i learned a new game and watching another movie but im going to bed soon since its like already 2 in the morning..still not thrilled about sleeping but bed it is..laundry and homework most likely tomorrow..but i got a sleeping bag today that was nice..i forgot of much ebay came in handy sometimes! but all the same i guess i finally got in some non depressing news..hmm its been a while wince ive managed to actually get my mind off of things for so long without doing something unsafeish to get there..something to think about

weeks over..kinda

the weeks over for me and that is good enough! im tired of this week and for some reason im back to being really tired really early..maybe im not sleeping as well as i think i am..roughly 6 hours a night but i cant get much more than that without taking something before hand..maybe i should go have another blood test..the same one ive been putting off for a long time..dont know though maybe it will go away again..i know i havent purged in at least a couple weeks and today i wanted to but talked myself out of it..i get random nosebleeds..hmm well getting them again, twice this week and its been forever since ive had one..maybe the weather is bothering me or im catching a cold or something..but minus the runny nose theres nothing else really wrong..maybe a headache but thats it..maybe i should take some sinus meds just incase..which means a trip to the drugstore..ive been trying out new recipes this week since i have to cook if i want to eat..eating to many nuts and things and ill have to work on that but otherwise its been ok..i actually ate broccoli more than once without throwing it up..and if nothing else i take the dorky vitamins like clockwork..dont know if there working or not..but im pretty sure im still managing to leave out a lot of vitamins and things from like everyday food..so vitamins it is if i dont want mommy to start telling me im gonna go into shock from not eating..stupid thing being ive been not eating for the last 5 or so years and before that i was throwing up..so its not like i dont know what im doing..anyway i actually managed not to cut today even if it was a crummy day and i wanted to but i didnt..made myself go to class which got cancelled and ended about school stuff and iwas ok enough to make it home in one piece..and then it was my usual stuff, waste time online, cooked watched a movie..and now im once again to tired to want to do anything but go to bed..not sleep but go to bed

empty would be good

i wont let up on thinkingabout acceptance..and its bothering me..well that and the small issue with forgetting thta bringing up dreams makes me not want to sleep, and them i have to think about everything that i associate it with..and thinking about all of it without trying to judge it or control just doesnt work..likke now i wont stop blaming myself..i want to say i cant stop but i guess if i wanted to i could..but saying i could just makes it seem easy when its not..like if i think about it long enough i can figure out a way to take the blame for all of it if i want it or not..same old thing i guess but now i just dont know..now it kinda seems wrong to try to take blame for something i didnt do moreso couldnt control..but i work so hard at breaking things arent and trying to change what happened..given then explaining it doesnt make since..but leaving it alone and just accepting it has never been an option until now..i keep wanting to think that you know this is supposed to be easy but i just go back and forth between not caring and just wanting to go away..semi suicidal but more into just hurting enough to remember im not dead yet...i thought about why i dont like the whole reality thing..because helpful or not the s/i is considered bad or wrong most likely both and then its like knowing its not good but doing it anyway..i should know this ive heard enough about deviant behavior..i know all about social norms and i know that off subject for a sec..being scared makes me want to cry..lately everything makes me want to cry...which is better crying or cutting..i would say cuttnig, which wouldnt hurt..neither..hmm back to my other train of thought..i know that i would be considered sick or something by ppl who have no clue as to why i do it..i guess they would be right htough..reasons for doing it aside i dont know..i keep wanting to tell myself its bad nad i need to stop and i havent yet..not even though i can tell someone not to do it and ways to stay busy so you might not have to do it..and i can ignore all of it..i know all of it, and ive done it at one point or another..but its like the rules dont count for me..not anymore..its gone far enough that i dont know if it can be stopped anymore..but more now than ever i can look at my arms and hate all the scars..hate myself for doing them..and they may fade some but a lot of them wont ever go away..i study my legs looking for new places to cut already knowing i dont like it..but i rarely take care of them these days..for the longest time i never believed anyone who told me take care, like they were juts saying it to say..and then one day it was just like oh you actually mean it, like seriously it matters what i do to myself..its still weird having ppl care and for me to even acknowledge it..its harder to completely ignore it..because the more something is bothering me the more i try hard to pull away from everyone because its better to not say anything so no one will worry..but its like maybe i do need them to worry because i cant or wont..cant goes with should..one of those things that just turned into a habit..things are going not well right now

fighting sleep...again

im tired, i know im tired and i was ready to go to bed like 20 mins ago before i got home and now i just dont want to sleep ...if it was possible to sleep without really sleeping then things might work a bit better..i keep forgetting i actualyl have work due that i still havent bothered starting..not great but ill get it done i guess...went to see brokeback mountain tonight with yvonne and im not sure what i think about it..after all the awards and reviews it was kinda disappointing actually seeing the movie...that and the movie messed up and a huge part from the middle went missing and it was hard to hear...ill just have to watch it again to really get what is going on..i know the basics but i dont like watching a movie short of it being in a different language and not being able to hear..the guy just wasnt talking loud at all and it was annoying..i was watching the movie and it was sad, the ending was...not that it was a bad movie or anything i just think i missed the finer points of it..so ill see it again when it comes out on dvd...i got phase 10 cards from renee as a belated xmas present and that was rally cool since i loved playing the game when she was here last summer..

and now im more awake than when i started..and now im back to being slighty afraid to sleep, and incredibly close to crying..my mistake for bringing up my dream even if i did want to know what it meant..and now that i kinda know i dont like it any more..my head hates me, no idea how i manage to come up with some of the stuff i come up with..and all of it has some point that im still not getting..earlier i really wanted to cut but didnt and after a while that went away a little but now its back..i want new ones..there is something about the acceptance thing that im still not getting..but i dont want to think about it anymore

reality bites

that has the be the shortest rant ive ever written and once i can feel my fingers and finish not being mean to myself i guess ill write more.

long day

tuesdays should just be taken off the calendar or something to make my life easier...classes were alright i guess and i went to them even though i didnt really want to..ended up with another 70 on a bio quiz not that im worried to much about it..im still stuck with a b in the class for now..health was pretty fun though, another good speaker and we got out of class early so that worked out for the best...and then a late night trip to the grocery store because well yvonne had to go and i juts went along and found something in needed. cant help that i love going to the grocery store for no good reason..and i talked about it on njad some and its kinda weird but ive settled on its an ed thing..going to the grocery store has no reason to be that appealing but it is..and im tired and going back and forth and i dont htink this will make any sense so ill go on ..hmmm i was in class this morning and not paying attention and ended up writing in my notebook because im not good yet at noticing without writing it down kinda..so it only took me like 30 mins to figure out i was sad and i didnt know what caused it and normally i would have started getting annoyed with myself i guess but today i didnt..i just kept asking myself why until i got an answer that wasnt i dont know..and then of course i wondered why i wasnt getting mad about the whole thing and it was pretty simple..it really is way to much work staying mad at myself..because once i get it started i can make it last almost without thinking about it..besides im sick of being sad all the time, its driving me crazier..so i dont know i guess its good that i didnt attack myself and its just i think its the first time in forever that ive not done it..when did i get so good at being a complete jerk to myself..not counting you cant escape yourself..good grief i try though..like if i try hard enough i can make up for everything else..no idea what exactly im making up for but once i figure it out im sure it will be a good reason..im sure it wont make sense either...lately with what i write i try hard not to write should and now that im actually trying it just seems harder than it has to be..i had should onto a lot of stuff and just stopping it in the middle of a thought means im not exactly making things bad..not really what im thiniking but i dont know how to word it yet..i think it was a blame thing though because if i say i should be doing something..no it was a guilt thing not blame..weird little light bulb gets to go off because i figured something out..and now i get to push everything on the floor so i can go to sleep..tomorrow i so have to get my paper finished so i can turn it in..i hope it snows..i hope i sleep..ive actually gone two days without bread and im not dead..maybe the world wont come to an end..my fingers hurt from picking at them..i will have to look into finding a better lotion that doesnt dry out my hands and make it easy to start picking..sounds gross even thinking ive managed to pull skin off but its more like hangnails gone wild or something..

weird night

i asked yvonne if she put yogurt on her ice cream like 20 mins after she asked why i had cherry yogurt in the first place...so not my fault she asked while i was half doing something else and half watching her get ice cream and i didnt catch on to things until a little while later and just randomly asked if she put yogurt on her ice cream..and after the crazy look she gave me..of course she told me no...and then i got a picture of my nonexistent penguin in the bathtub having a bubble bath with a shower cap...and i chased dusti and cooked dinner and its been all in all a i dont know day..rainy weather though..and maybe im just really tired or something..i got these relaxation cds from yvonnes mom and the sleep one really makes me want to go to sleep..ive been listening to it for an hour and it only took about 10 mins before i was starting to fall asleep but then there was the penguin and i woke up again..and now im going to bed

home

the only thing i keep thinking about today is that someone told me home is where your happy..i just keep wanting to compare home here in the apartment to home with mommy..and the differences are really obvious but i dont know..theres just something about it i havent figured out yet..like it really is one of the most basic things have ever been told but ive never heard it until now..and its just one of those things i needed to hear a long time ago and didnt...like i went home but i wasnt at home and now i am.. im happy to be back, im happy to have all my stuff here like i left it..even if i did have to clean up everything i left down because i was in such a rush leaving..now im taking a break because my head is hurting a little bit and im just sick of cleaning up for right now and im not worried about getting in trouble for stopping..bubt now that im not with mommy anymore i dont want to think about anything that happened while i was there..you know im thinking i need to stop associating going home with going to see mommy..anyway the weekend was ok,went to the movies with riley and harris and one of rileys friends...then suddenly i was like the only girl in the house not counting there mom because tyler came over ..and good grief 4 boys at once can be nerve racking..i dont know how sissy manages her 3 boys! harris ended up sleeping in my bed last night though because there werent enough to go around in the room they shared and its been a while since he has been there all night and he still sleeps incredibly close...i told them i would come back for the festival weekend in a couple weeks and i will just because i always take them and its fun..in a very long day im never having kids kinda way..

this is going to be a long week..i wasnt even back yet and already i was stressing about everything that i have to get done this week...everything is due now and i have to figure out some way to get my volunteer hours in..i have to finish my paper and start on another one.. i have to get my interview done and ill have to check the date but im all most positive i have therapy this week..funny im not completely dreading it since i finally have something to say..i have to registar and go talk to dr miller and im expecting an email from prof dunn soon to and some other things im prolly forgetting but i know ill have to do anyway..but we have more silly string again....still finding silly string from the last war and her mom got us more of it lol, yep it will be fun..

hmm only cut once at home even though i thought about it alot..but i picked a lot at old ones...ate ok i guess and took my vitamins and in a couple months hopefully i wont have to remind myself that its actually a good thing to keep taking them..im working on the whole should thing..i put should on a lot of things that dont need it and it turns it into something that makes it easier for me to get annoyed at myself when it most likely had nothing to do directly with me..the noticing thing just blows big time but i guess it will get easier once im more used to it.

empty

theres nothing left..i havent felt anything since after i wrote yesterday but i didnt cut either..instead i wrote here some but i wrote more on my computer and just saved it..im not sure what ill do with it but i do know ii dont want to keeep what i wrote..but i dont think it would be good to just throw it away either..ill think of some middle ground for it and i was thinking about where to take it this morning and i do know where it would be safe at its just a matter of if ill do it or not..yesterday was a bit more than my regular writing..i write a lot here and i dont know yet if ill put any of what i have on my comp here..mainly because it will be way to long..all the same now i dont really know what im supposed to be doing..im not suicidal anymore but if im not feeling anything i cant be so sure..maybe something has changed now..maybe i finally get what everyone is trying to tell me..i dont know

wonderings

now that im actually thinking about writing everything in my head just stopped..like i have nothing to say but i know i do i just have to remember what it is...ive been watching talk shows today and talk about random since i havent watched them for a long while because they have all gotten stupid and ive never gotten into dr phil but i watched him today because it was about overprotective parents and i was half listening to what was being said but now i dont really know if overprotective is the same as to controlling...i didnt get anything for the kid and here mom and i thought her mom was psycho but between the older lady and her mom i could understand what she was talking about..considering i would fall right inbetween the two sets of ppl on the show and i didnt pay much attention to what happened at the end of the show and now im watching oprah and i didnt plan on watching it..but then i was saw the preview thing and its about the new show on the a&e channel and ive never seen it but its called intervention and ive heard about the show from some of the boards i go to because there was a girl who cut on it and ive seen the convos about it but never seen the show..so anyway now im watching oprah and i really dont see what the big deal is about talk shows but im guessing they help in some way and its a great way to pass the time...all the same i dont like when s/i is called slicing, that seriously bothers me because it just sounds wrong..i can handle it being called everything else and i have heard everything else i think and i just stick to what they are but i dont go by i guess the whole act..it makes me think its not fair..i really wonder what ppl actually think about it..and not in a ok i want to help kind of way but in a more general way..i could prolly guess though..s/i isnt the easiest to understand, i can go back and forth between understanding it and now i know that looking at someone elses scars makes me so nervous and scared but now i want to cut too..different watching it on tv than just occasionally running across a picture that i dont have to look at online..its like back and forth showing them and its like i have to watch so ill know but i dont really want to see any of it..random thought good grief i really really hope mommy isnt watching this because then she will come home and start watching me again..well more than usual..not counting all the random checking and everything...anyway i keep telling myself to find something else to do...ii can develop a nervous twitch in less than ten mins...i need to go clean the kitchen but thats like setting myself up to fail..i keep trying to remember where i have any razors stuck ..i found one yesterday but its like not exactly safe to use..i actually thought about using it but i didnt want to yesterday...completely not good how things that happen as a kid manage to screw up a person as an adult..this show cant go fast enough for me and its as simple as turning the tv off...they call it an addiction..control scks..thats the overall thing ive decided today..is all of it really about control? i dnt know if it is then control sucks more than usual..and drifting away can be a great thing..i wonder how i learned to step out of awareness..