stupid reasons

I thought I fully understood the consequences of the cutting and burning and scratching and picking...all of it led to the same outcome..scars..a lot of scars and I try hard to hide and sometimes I just don't care about them..but today I am so very ashamed of them and I hate that I have them because now that I am older..the real consequences become much more apparent...I helped Sarah try on part of her bathing suit today..And the jealousy and shame was instantly overwhelming... I can't wear my bathing suit because I have destroyed my Bosnians keep destroying it..How can I walk around or go to the pool or do anything fun on vacation when I get so caught up in thinking that I am being looked at or watched...mommy has drilled it in so hard
..the scars can't show..they are bad..I am bad ..whatever the reason is..I won't be able to do it...I have no confidence at all. And on a cruise surrounded by so many people I'm already anxious...bit I guess that is my issue to deal with or hide..before it wasn't a big del..I didn't care..No one was ever going to see me undressed.
Now that has changed..Now I could almost any things to be different and they can't..the scars aren't goin  away..I can't hide them..I don't want anyone to see me and think something is wrong with me...But something is wrong with me ..How do you explain how so many scars are just in different places..a lot of scars...And no I'm not a child but with this I don't really think my thinking is that of an adult..My first thought is still to hide..to pretend .to be normal..And my body is just makin  it glaringly obvious that there is something wrong...that I am just wrong and messed up..the I have this trip coming and instead of being completely happy about it..I'm worried and scared..this isn't just me ...this is Sarah's trip too and I want her to have a good time..Maybe me having a good time isn't a part of things..there is to much to worry about...And I've just messed so much up...still I'm messing everything up...is it possible to become perfect in 14 days? To somehow have things work out?? No I'm not feeling very positive about anything at all right now...My life is just to hard right now..I'm trying to hang on and it is just so hard...