thinking

I woke up feeling sick..I took 3 at the same time yesterday and as predicted I ended up feeling sick and out of it and sleepy..I spent most of my birthday asleep...sadly...I just was upset about my car and just wanted to go to sleep because the day was over for me..once again I acted impulsively and ended up messing up my birthday even more..

Nia talked to me yesterday about my impulsive behaviors and I learned that I'm not hiding things so well..she told me she is worried....I asked Sarah and she said she worries too...somehow I completely disregard how my behavior and words and actions do make people worry..And where I say it and it doesn't have that effect on me..I am affecting others.And I feel awful about that...I thought being honest about how I'm feeling was supposed to be a good thing and all it does is make people worry..something is wrong and I really don't know what it is..I'm making stupid choices..doing stupid things and then I'm surprised to find out that I am making people worry...tramaine flushed the rest of the meds I had...which makes me mad..but oh well...logically I know I don't need then and just want them..I don't know how to deal with the stress or life..And I am getting easily overwhelmed and upset and start looking for a way out..And that's not dealing with anything...like I know my car is an issue right now but all I want to do is go home and go to sleep...the meds haven't worn off completely and so I am still tired...but yeah..Just don't want to deal and I have to because I need my car...having to depend on someone else is going to make me struggle more because then I just feel trapped...

I really wish that I could have written about the trip and how fun it was to be away...anxiety was still super high but just getting away was good...seeing nia and noa and even rob was good...I got to spend the entire week with Sarah and it was fun..a little stressful at times but still I wouldn't change the trip for anything...I know Sarah worries to about her wheelchair and it being to much and things like that..but I think I told her that it is ok..I know I've told her she isn't a burden .. and I guess she maybe had worries about being gone and it just being me..to help her and stuff..but it was ok..I like being with her and am able to be calmer when I'm with her...the wheelchair is just a fun accessory..but I will get some time this week and write more about the vacation...

I have a lot on my mind right now..And writing this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of all that I am storing in my head..I'm just really tired and I don't think I'm suicidal but I am feeling really depressed and just sad...