i have no control

I have been avoiding talking to mommy as much as I could this week..because I don't want to tel her that I've screwed up again..because I can't tel her that I may not have money to send to her tomorrow..because I'm just scared and anxious about tomorrow..And what may or may not happen...I'm trying hard to prepare myself for a not good end of the month..I know that I'll  once again end up off of my meds..And that I'm have less than two weeks to figure out rent money..or I will be homeless again..And so yes I am trying not to cry..I'm trying to keep my thoughts from going all over the place..I'm not feeling confident at all about tomorrow or what will happen or what I will end up telling mommy..most likely I guess I will send her what I don't have because that is just how it will have to work...keep her off my back..but what is it going to  take to calm my anxiety...I don't want to end up doing what I'm thinking about but I just don't have any other ideas..I can't think..I don't want to think  anymore