I think it has been a slow but steady move back and forth into suicidal thoughts and feelings.. Having a plan and the desire to go through with it... Every thing was in place but the flaw in my plan was that Sarah got to me and wouldn't let me spend much time alone.. She talked to me.. Listened to me.. Let me cry all over her.. Anita and Courtney somehow refuse to be pushed away anxiety the verbal agreements to show up to sessions.. And then noa and nia who I love and even though I was thinking that I needed to say goodbye.. I never made the phone call... And that is how the past couple weeks have been.. A back and forth battle to stay alive.. To care..
Today I got the news I had been waiting for... An answer you could say... And the verdict is that I am once again job less... I did break down today.. I cried and cried and made plans for how to hurt myself.. How to kill myself.. I planned to burn.. I wanted to stop for razors.. I had a plan.. And I didn't care... I went home and instead took two pills.. That had me drowsy and now Numb...I'm just wanting to go to sleep... So I took the codine...two of them.. And then ended up driving to the hospital because Sarah needed me.. For safety I spent the night with her.. But now I am home again and the thoughts are getting bad.. I took meds this morning and feel sick.. Doesn't help that my period is starting and now I'm incredibly moody.. And just want to yell so I'm keeping to myself.. Because my patience with the living situation is become very low and I'm pissed off about it... I'm also feeling kinda like I'm being replaced or whatever..
Crap I'm falling asleep again..
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