OMG extreme stomach issues tonight... Ugh.. I know I'm nervous but good grief. I don't want to be best friends with the bathroom again.. I really just want to go to sleep but I keep waking up and my stomach keeps hurting...
Skip to today
Woke up this morning anxious and sick.. Distracted myself by watching orphan black a bit... Tramaine and her cousin did my makeup and everything and it was uncomfortable having makeup put on me.. I mean it did look nice but I was just embarrassed.. I went to my meeting to see the social worker this morning and I guess it went okay... Still a bit of waiting and I feel like I am just dying of boredom... I am stuck with whether or not I need to get another job.. And time frames and worried about money and traveling and just a lot on my mind.. So I'm looking at possibly another two weeks... I don't know if I can manage.. I'm just scared..
I saw Anita today and it went okay... we actually didn't talk about suicide.. I think I may have needed that today because I really was upset before my appointment and I was feeling like I wasn't being heard and wasn't getting my needs met and I was feeling like cutting.. But I got side tracked.. And we talked about other stuff.. Like Sarah and how we met and job stuff and my sister.. So a calmer session today..
My brain is still on overload.. So much thinking and talking and just worrying... I'm tired but frustrated.. Angry but sad... Just a jumbled up mix of emotions and no idea how to let them out safely.. I still want to numb out.. Not think... Just escape for while... OK so maybe I want to go to Sarah and be um helped into a state of calmness.. But that just makes me bad... Really really bad.. -sigh- I can't escape the thoughts from mommy.. I can't get her words out of my head.. I don't want to be a whore.. I don't want to be a slut..and even now I don't understand completely
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