I'm not really wanting to write right now but I know my thinking is going downhill really fast.. And I don't know how to stop it.. I'm thinking to much.. I'm upset and feel stupid and ashamed and scared and worried and guilty and just sad and lonely.. I know my thinking is irrational.. But the old thoughts refuse to die... How many times was someone else deemed more important than me? More worthy of attention and love and I got nothing.. There was none left for me.. And I just convinced myself that I didn't need it.. That I don't need it.. Yet I'm ready to cry I'm so upset that I already feel like I am being pushed away.. The expectation that I am dependable and willing to help and so that is enough I guess.. Knowing that I am feeling like this does have me feeling a little concerned.. I'm upset I don't have the codine anymore because I want it... I'm thinking about what it will take to get attention that I so desperately want.. Need.. I don't know.. I'm fighting to stay awake.. I want to sleep But the thinking is taking over and I'm reminded of just how awful I am...
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