Parallel thinking

Struggling right now with what I want to do.. And or not do... On one hand the suicidal thoughts take over... And on the other I know that I need to look for a job I need to have a plan in place ...I won't be able to depend on someone to bail me out once again.. Sara has told me she will be there and help as much as you can but I already know that she struggles to... And because of my issue last time I was trying very hard not to have to ask her for money... Still working on a regaining trust in that department ...but still means I need to have a plan... Problem is I can't seem to separate out my need to give up or my need to keep going... I don't want to go through the same struggle that I just went through... I don't want to have to explain to mommy how once again I have managed to screw up every single thing up... I feel like a failure.. I am a failure... I'm supposed to be going on vacation I can't even afford that anymore... No idea what I'm supposed to do... Its things go the way I think they're going to then I will most likely be off of my medicine again ..I may not have a place to live don't still we looking for a job... The stress of that alone makes me suicidal.. The waiting is the part that's killing me... I just want to know one way or another so I can figure out how the hell I'm going to be able to move on... Right now my goal is paying the rent and the electric bill for September... Maybe I'll have a place to live for one more month... My thoughts and once again going full circle.. Instead of wanting to think of a plan I just want to end  everything and just give up and not care ..go away just finally get to the end of whatever road it is on... I think I told Sarah some of this yesterday while I was over there she told me that she didn't want me to go away ...I don't wanna go away... I just don't know how to fix any of this.... I'm tired... I come home and all the sudden all I can do is worry about everything... I can't get my anxiety under control.. And then my thinking end up falling into a space that is very sad and negative and unsafe ...afraid to be by myself... Afraid to be with Sarah... Because I started getting scared that she's going to go away... Constantly fighting my head.. To think clearly to be rational and logical.. Still my most pressing I thought it said I need to say goodbye ..that I need to prepare for something and I just don't know what it is