March 1st - Self Injury Awareness Day (2014)

I waited today before writing this because I did not know what I wanted to say.  I still do not know what I really want to say.  Do I want to offer hope? caring? understanding? or just to let you know I will be there to listen whenever you need it. 
I dont plan on writing a long and drawn out note on my struggles, because the struggles will always be there.  Instead I will write that I have managed to not hurt myself for one year, 2 months, 1 week, and 6 days since the last time I cut.  I have had the tools to use since January 1st of this year and still they are sitting in the bag that I left them in.  A reminder that I can stay in control, that I can manage and maintain without the pain.  The urges still come, the difficulities in life, the desire to give up and give in, they all come. What has changed is how I handle and deal with the triggers, stress, heartache and pain.  I actually use the coping skills I have learned, even if I may say that I dont know what to do or feel as if I am doing anything right.  I wonder what the point is in all of it, and why do I bother to try when it would be so easy to just pick up a razor and get the relief/numbness that I crave.  That is the point though, I could pick up the razor and use it, but when all is said and done, the same issues are still there, nothing about it has changed. They still have to be dealt with, the scars dont make it any easier.  They are what they are, and for a long time it was what I wanted.  The consequences were not important, the fact that the scars will not fade was not important.  Now half of my life is gone and the scars show that there was a struggle but that I am still alive.  Now I can say that I used to cut.  Now I can say that it is in the past.  Something that helped before and is not needed any longer.  Wanted yes, but not needed.  I will not add any more scars to my body, there are enough there already. I am learning to deal with life and all that it has to throw at me, and yes currently I feel as if life is throwning evvery dang thing possible at me and then some. ugh. Yet, I am still here, without any new scars, without any new shame or guilt or fear relating to self harm.  The thoughts are still coming, but now at least I feel as if I can manage and live with the thoughts and live with myself as I am, scars and all.