yesterday...and well now im overthinking

so yesterday i had to go to work for a bit and even though i really didnt want to go..i did...and it ended up being a good session..sometimes i forget that im working..but yesterday was mostly shopping and what not for my clients family..and we went to sams club..and i swear my eyes were gonna fall out of my head! its been so long since ive been to sams club ..so i knew that everything is in bulk...but to see it again was so overwhelming..and my crazy need to have things went into overdrive...i wanted everything i saw and of course im teaching my client to budget and shop wisely and im about to have a heart atack because i cant get everything i want...i did uend up getting 4 things..thats it lol...because yes animal crackers and goldfish were suddenly the most important things i had ever needed to have ...yep..im completely weird like that..and completely random but i am out of spicy mustard..dang it..anyway..we went out for lunch..and then to the grocery store..i had to leave my bag in the car for that one lol..im not really supposed to be shopping for myself anyway..it was
tiring but it was fun too..if there wasnt paperwork involved..i would truly love my job..i would...

and so i got home and started to over think things..blah..with sarah..and i talked to her about it..and was able to calm down..i think i was just getting a little ahead of myself..and us and getting our relationship mixed up with others relationships..and so i think i just needed a bit of a reality check and reminder..and now im good again...there is still an issue that is on my mind ..but blah its embarrassing as heck..and so im still thinking about it vs really talking about it...its probably one of those stop trying so hard and it will be ok things..but yeah ill think it through until im utterly annoyed and frustrated..and then ask for someone to kind of state the obvious..essh..but i think last night a bit of missing therapy came up for me...i had been working extra hard to not think about all -of- that...but it was on my mind last night and it makes me sad..i mean yes im managing i guess without therapy..but there is so much stuff stuck in my head...so much stuff to still work through and i guess i just feel let down still about all of it...ive been bouncing in and out of therapy since i started college way back when..and still struggling with things..not as bad or well dangerous i guess..but struggling all the same..and it is frustrating ..because its like well if ive been in therapy for that long and still am having trouble with things..then there is something wrong with me..not the therapist..i dont know..im just feeling down about it..wondering what is wrong with me..somedays i really wish i could just escape my head..its not a nice place to be..and if i dont get a grip on my thoughts..then i know i will start wanting to go back to not so good habits...not majorly noticeable ones..but habits all the same..

two weeks...two weeks and then i can escape for a little while...i think i need to get away from richmond and life here..and the stress and worry that is here...im ready to go with sarah and see nia and noa and not worry about work or anything...im tired of worrying ..right now im just tired..and maybe it is super selfish of me for wanting to go away and be with sarah every day for like a week because that means that i will get to be close to her...i think im feeling incredibly needy and i just dont know why...i want so much comfort and i only get to see sarah on the weekend right now..and we talk on the phone..but it is the physical comfort i am wanting more ..play time is a perk..but i think it is the safety and stability that i feel when i am around her that i am wanting..and not being able to have it makes me nervous..and scared..because it makes me feel so so alone ..and i know she is there for me..and that i could go to her place almost anytime ..but well yeah..we have already talked at length about her missing bedroom door....ill be so happy when we can move..because then we will have a couch to hang out on..and well a bigger bed..although we do manage quite well on sarahs bed..and ok i really am rambling on way to much ..i just want to go back to sleepfor a little while..and taji is having one of her clingy mornings too...