being quite rational..i know that i may be renting this room for longer than i planned to..and no its not the end of the world...it is a stable place, i am ok here...but its just not MY place..its not my stuff..i want my freaking bed..but no it is not the end of the world and i know that i will have time if needed to find another place...im going to focus more on saving now..and planning...and not jumping the gun and freaking myself out before anything even happens..who knows next week i may have an apartment..i do know that i am not currently homeless..i am just without a home of my own...and for now that is just the way things have to be..
that being said .. i am slowly working on getting things paid back..and paid off..i have to start paying mommy back because she is beginning to let me know that she has been waiting and well now my time is up...so working her into my paychecks will be happening...i should still be able to save..but its juts frustrating because there are bills i forgot about..debts i owe and money ive borrowed that i need to work on paying back..i just am tired of having so many things hanging over my head...i hate that everything is centered on money..still everything is money ... paying for something..borrowing..paying something off..it is depressing...
i talked to kathy today and that did make me feel a lot better about things...just talking to her and being told that she has been thinking about me and misses me..and that she is proud of me..for not cutting and still working on my stuff and that the job i have been patiently waiting for is still hanging out there..when i see her..maybe next week i will get a hug from her...but i talked to her about things that have been going on and how im doing..i left the therapy issue for when we are actually together..i told her about my upcoming trips and a little bit about sarah...and she told me that as long as i was comfortable then that was all that mattered...and yes one conversation with kathy has me ready to stick myself to her side and never ever let her out of my sight..i know good and well that she wont let me do that...and will analyze the heck out of why i want to be attached to her..but she knows why..ive asked to live with her..ive asked her to be my therapist..and each time she tells me no and why .. but that doesnt stop me from asking every so often..because i still have some major mom issues..and well if i had my way kathy would have adopted me forever ago...but instead she now gives me the occasional pep talk and listens to me and asks how im doing and what im working on...we talked about forgivness a little bit..and i think i am getting better at giving myself a break with things..but i know i still have a ways to go...but i told her i missed her..i really did..
i ran a couple errands inbetween work today..had to go and get another air mattress..much to my major annoyance..and which is also why i want my freaking bed back so bad..ugh..but got that taken care of..because i dont mess around when it comes to sleep..i just cant...i will be cranky and mean and awful if im not sleeping ..and i know this..so the bed issue was one that needed to be fixed and fixed immediately...i didnt throw the other mattress away because well who knows..maybe it can be fixed..and then it can just be kept..but also picked up a couple movies at walmart today...catching fire of course..and enders game..and then frozen comes out next week and that i am waiting for every every much....
i saw the behavioral health person today..and it makes me sad a bit seeing her..because now she is the one i am talking to a little bit about the day to day stuff..and how im doing..i reminded her that im not in therapy anymore and so she told me that she will be checking in on the behavior part of things a little bit more..because now im just seeing her and courtney...but ive had so much on my mind today that i really did want someone to talk to..and ive talked to people today..but its not the same as having someones undivided attention...but i guess ill manage..but we talked about some of the changes i am making health wise..my a1c has come down a little bit..but im still planning to talk to the doc about the meds when i see her on thursday...but again my knowledge of what i need to do was commended..and being able to check in with her each week does make me feel a little bit better about things...i feel less like im just falling through the cracks knowing that ill be seeing her each week..i think my goal for the week is to check my sugar more..something like that..and tomorrow i have to go and pick up my meds...
this week is going by kinda fast..i dont know..maybe its just me and my head being on overdrive...so much thinking and planning..and i am sad that i wont be able to go see the cirque de solei show next month..but i will catch it the next time it comes through..i have a lot planned..and a lot coming up...so its sad but i know its not the end of the world...
but im getting sleepy...i still have a lot on my mind but sleep is winning out so i think ive written all that i can manage for tonight...
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