you know this is an age old topic...my entire life can be summed up into this topic..well parts of it anyway...all my life..literally all of my life..my mom has told me over and over that i need to lose weight..that i need to not eat certain things..that i need to watch what i eat..i tried and failed repeatedly as a kid and even as an adult to be this perfect person..i had been made to believe that losing weight, being skinny meant that i would be happier..that i would be more confident..that i would like myself more..that other people would like me...and thats just how it all started i guess...she pushed ..i barfed..ok so not at first ..but by the time middle school came around i was throwing up a lot...on purpose...i was so so so angry..and i think that i still am angry..at her..for telling me over and over that i wasnt good enough as i was...so it was one extreme after another..but it didnt get really out of hand until college..no eating...eating and getting sick...back to no eating..becoming a vegetarian ..and that one i even managed to do twice..back to off and on purging....the really interesting thing though..is that i wouldnt have food issues and self injury issues at the same time...it was always one or the other..but the food issues started way before self injury was ever in the picture...the food issues i guard much more closely ... i dont talk about it because i am actually more ashamed of the fact that i am liable to eat and throw up..than i am about the cutting/burning myself...much more ashamed...and i try not to blame you know..but i do know and believe that mommy is at the root of my eating issues...even now..im 30 years old and still she tells me what to eat or not eat...im afraid for her to see me because it will be all about how ive gained weight..how im not trying..how i know better..what i should and shouldnt have..what i need to give up...over and over and over..i can have the conversations in my head..i know what she will say..and i would rather avoid her looks of disgust...i hate being watched when im eating..i really do..and that is one thing that she does and has done for a long time...she watched me...told me when i had enough..told me to stop..took food away from me..didnt give me the same things as my brothers and sisters..because i was always the one that needed to lose weight..i was the outcast because i wasnt small or thin or talkative or pretty or anything at all ... and mommy made sure i knew it...she told me it was better that i heard it from her..because she loved me at least...if that is what someone who supposedly loves me says then damn bring on the people who dont..because i dont think it could be worse than what i was already hearing...she compared to to everyone i knew..more in college...she always asked why i couldnt be more like my roommates who were thin and pretty and dating...no i was just still the same quiet, suicidal, fat girl that i had always been...mommy is very appearance orientated ..and my appearance does nothing for her...these days yes she still tells me what i should wear or not wear...what i need to do to look better...at least once a week the conversation revolves around food and dieting and eating...
that is my life..that has been my life for so long that sometimes i really do forget what it is to eat normally...i know how to mess with my meds so that im not hungry..i know how to count calories like a pro..i know how to restrict and punish, and throw up..but i would never ever admit to doing it..because anyone looking at me would not think that i had any issues with eating...no they would think the opposite...but who wants to know that the fat girl can starve, and binge and purge with the best of them...no...everything is based on looks .. and that is an area that i have just failed in my entire life....and so yes ..when i found i had gained weight..i was angry..i am angry..at myself more than anything else..because i know better..i know how to eat...i know how to do what i am supposed to do..and i didnt and the outcome is that i have gained weight..and one of my first thoughts was..'i cant let mommy know'...and so for the past maybe two weeks or so..my head has been on over drive..thinking wondering, planning, over planning... i know that when it comes to food and eating and all of that i have to be careful..because i can go overboard..and i can hide it..and no one will figure anything out until its far to late...almost like how cutting was...but i was able to let go of the cutting...im not so sure i feel the same way about food issues...food is a gift and a punishment..lately more so a punishment...and the negative thoughts take over and fill my head..with thinking that i am just stupid and gross and all the stuff mommy tells me is so very true...because i cant look at people and not compare...not that i do it rudely or even out loud...but having the thoughts are enough i guess..why cant i look like her..or why cant i be skinny, and why why why why ...
i dont want to hear that i need to love the body i have...ive already destroyed this body..and im not in line to get another one any time soon..and so that means i am stuck with this body...and i have put it through a hell of a lot...and its still hanging in there for reasons i do not understand...yes ive done a lot of things trying to die..and none of them worked...ive thrown up so much that it hurt to breathe..it hurt to talk..it hurt to move..because i have learned that depending on how you throw up..you can use a heck of a lot of random muscles and all of that...and so the pull on them makes them sore...and it hurts..but maybe it is the pain i am after...the need to know that i can do this just because i can and no one can take it away from me....
-sigh- there really was a point to this ... and i really didnt mean to ramble on about my eating issues...
but tonight i made a healthy dinner..like super healthy..and it didnt kill me to eat it...im not dumb, i know what foods i need to increase or decrease..i know exercise is good and healthy..but the one thing that i realized tonight...is that the choice is mine to make..what i eat or dont eat..what i do or dont do..it is my choice...i can be healthy or well make healthier choices if i want to..not because i am being told to...the binging and purging are my choices as well...its not one i make often anymore..because it has become way to easy for me to decide i am going to be sick..and will get sick with just warped reflexes..that does scare me..but i like to tell myself that i have it under control..that im not sick..that there is nothing wrong with it as long as i am only doing it occasionally... but thats how it works isnt it...just one more time...i just need to do it one more time and then ill stop...i havent stopped completely for more than half of my life..what makes now so different?
and im gonna stop for the night..
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