alone

some days i juts dont know how to fight the depression..and the sad thoughts when out...all day ive focused more on the negative stuff...im keeping to myself..im lonely and alone and i hate it..but i need it..for some reason...punishment maybe..i dont know..im juts feeling quiet and tired and sick...always feeling sick these days and i dont know why..i actually needed to use my inhaler this morning the wheezing was so bad..

i dont know what to do..that ability to go to therapy has been taken from me..and im left with my thoughts and my feelings and emotions ..and something about sunday/sunday night just screws with my head..and i really wish i knew why...

just hating myself and everything about me today..well right now...bad choicess..bad life..bad everything and its all my fault for screwing it all up..i do deserve to be punished...so i guess isolation it is..for lack of anything else to do....but isolation is just as bad because then i cant stop the thoughts..they feel my head and take over and its so hard to explain why it is that i just dont know how to describe it to anyone at all ... im juts feeling down..and i have been more isolated this weekend...sitting in the hospital is not the most stimulating thing ever..i just dont know how to fix what is wrong..i cant describe what is wrong..im juts all messed up and worthless and stupid ...and i guess i just should get used to the way things are ... 

the needs are way up right now..the need for comfort..the need for safety, for peace, just anything to calm the fears that are plaguing my mind tonight...but i am alone and i still cant do it for myself..i dont know how..i dont want it from me..i want it from sarah and kathy and the other heather...the safe ppl..who give me hugs when im sad..well kathy analyzes why im sad before she gives me hugs..but its been a good while since ive talked to her..maybe i can call her soon..and talk a little bit...but im afraid too...afraid to tell her what happened with therapy..afraid to be told that im to much trouble..afraid of being let down, pushed away..left alone..i dont want to be alone..but i am alone...there is a lock on my throat ... no speaking..no trouble..no nothing..if im quiet enough no one will even remember im here..no one will remember im alive...and no one will notice when im gone.