right now i am feeling pretty ok...almost in a good mood. im calm and able to think clearly and not feeling overwhelemed at all..im looking forward to things coming up and making plans and changes for the things that need to come up..the only thing missing is being able to live with sarah. there really are no words to describe this weekend with her. it was special. i miss just being able to lay down next to her and know that i am safe and cared for..i really miss that...the play time is just a very very fun extra benefit...but i am getting bolder i think..doing more..wanting to do more...i still get a little scared...but i think im beginning to get past that too...has it really been 5 months?! so much has happened..so much has changed..and the one steady thing is sarah..im trying not to be clingly but i think i am....sex stuff aside..i just want to be near her..around her..able to see and touch her if i wanted too..darn lack of a door doesnt even stop things now heh...like i said..special weekend...and there are so many different things to look forward too now...trips and planning and going place and going out and doing things...im almost social with sarah and im ok with that..i actually like going out places with her..she makes me laugh..and yes i tease the heck out of her at times..but it is the quiet times i crave the most i think...and i think thats what i wanted a lot of this weekend..and i did get it..but it makes me want it even more...sometimes i feel like such an inexperienced kid..wanting comfort and feeling as if i am just being a pain and asking for to much.or not asking enough..i cant seem to find the happy medium...im getting myself nervous ...thinking that im becoming to needy since im not in therapy anymore and i dont really have that outlet anymore...i know im being more quiet about things...i mean on one hand things are ok..manageable even...still a lot of down days but i know i can talk to sarah and a few other friends if i really was having a hard time...i can talk to nia too...im so so looking forward to getting out of here with sarah, at the end of the month..i really am..just to get away from things for a little bit...to just hang out with nia and noa and sarah..and even rob..gosh im really really hoping that the apartment opens up soon...im trying to be patient..and well i guess i am patient..and being patient..and trying to understand that there is actually going to be an apartment..but sometimes i juts feel like screaming at the apartment place...
suddenly there is so much more that i want out of life ... and i know there is still a ways to go before i am more stable in all areas...but i know it will happen..and im happy that things are going at there own pace with sarah...i feel bad that i cant do more for sarah with what she really wants...and im not afraid of commitment ..but i am afraid of marriage .and that is more of just a fear thing..because as much as i deny it and say its gross..i would have a baby...i really would..and i know that it will be a long process and even longer if i ddont get some control over my body you know...get healthier..get my health stuff under control..get off of some/most of the meds...stop the overmedicating..yes i know there are still a lot of things i will be working on..and the surprising thing..the really completely and utterly surprising thing..is that sarah accepts me as i am..flaws, scars, craziness, sadness, all of it..she is the only person i let touch me and instead of being afraid i want more...crud i tell her at least once a week that im going to walk around her apartment naked..and much to my horror she says ok! and then its like dang .. she wouldnt mind in the slightest if i was wandering around naked..but yeah.let me stop before my mind finds the gutter again...
you know the other day..i was super proud of sarah..i am super proud of her...something that was bothering her..and causing her a lot of stress and lost sleep ended up being something that she faced head on...it was a super big step for her...and i am pleased, happy, excited eveen that at the end of all of it..there is me..and that does make me happy. it really does.
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