well vacation is over..im safely back at home..and already the worries are back in my head...i was able to let them go a little bit while gone..but coming back brought them all back...
but anyway...about being away..i did miss bounce and taji a lot ..but at the same time it is nice to not have cat butt in my face all day lol..but they are both fine..taji a little bit anxious ..but i know she will be fine soon..and once she figures out that im not going anywhere else..for such a long time...
so now about vacation...i went to nias for a week, with sarah. played with noa every day..got baby hugs and kisses and smiles for a whole week. also got baby tantrums, dirty diapers ..no thinking and talking at the same time...we played cards, went to charleston, and to the movies, ate popcorn and went out to eat..saw the dolphins playing in the water at the restuarant..had ice cream and cake and actual real meals almost every day...and just hung out..i got sick a couplle times ...and that did suck..and now my whole upper body hurts...i really dont know how i was able throw up so many times in a week..cas doing it once and not on purpose has me afraid to move to much..cas my chest and all of that is sore ..bllah..
it was good getting away though..work be darned ...i needed to get away..and i guess on monday when i get yelled at i will see ..but you know what..im not stressing about it...not this time...ill just go on with my plan of loooking for a new job..life goes on..and im not the greatest fan of this agency anyway. but whatever ...
was so so embarrassed today because my body hijacked itself and i should have known better..but yeah..ended up with a huge mess and had to change clothes in the bathroom..yeah..wasnt to happy about that at all..but i think i had a lot on my mind to on the way home..just coming back to richmond is stressful..almost fell asleep driving..ugh..
the biggest decision though i think..is that i know now that i truly will end up moving closer to nia..not right now...not for a couple years or more...but being so far away is not going to work. i love noa. and i do get concerned about nia being with the baby all day by herself for the most part...i know she is a good parent but everyone needs a break now and then...i cant live with them..as my need for quiet time and alone time makes me shut down and shut ppl out..but i want to be close by...i need to be close by...but that had been a deciison that i had been playing around with for a long time..but now i know for sure...richmond was not going to be my set in stone place..and south carolina may not be my set in stone place..but now i have a direction...a plan of sorts..for the future...i kow i need to get a plan together for the present ..but having a plan for the future gives me something to look forward too...
overall i did ok at nias...i know i had some issues with anxiety..and some issues with just being around people so much..not that i dont have a good time with nia and sarah and rob and noa..i do..but my need for quiet and alone time is a major deal for me...i juts get so tired being social..i feel like i have to be happy and pleasant and all of that all the time..and i dont have to do it so much with nia and sarah but it is hard to break the habit...the need to be okay even though i am feeling edgy and down and worried ...
and spending a whole week with sarah without her aides being pains in the butt was fun..it was like we could do whatever...and there were some scrapes and hitting of walls and what not lol..but there was also a lot of laughing..and talking..and just being together...it is nice sharing a bed and i just wish i had asked to cuddle a bit more than i did...i didnt want to be a pain ... i just dont understand the need i have for comfort at times...i dont know where it comes from..but im starting to depress myself so i will move on...
scared about my doc appointment on tuesday...very very scared...gyno appointment..i want to cry already..i want to cancel it..forget about it..miss the darn thing..i may just end up drugging myself into oblivion on tuesday..blah...
my head is all over the place right now...so many thoughts..so much thinking...there is so much in my head and i know i prolly should have made time to write while i was gone..but i didnt want to write..i didnt want to think about the things bothering me...but that doesnt make them disappear...and the words become stuck in my chest..and i go back to pretending that i am fine..that i am okay..that nothing is wrong..
oh one of the bigger issues i had was the pit stop at home on the way to nias. normally i dont go the back way at all because it makes me pass places that i am afraid of...i forgot that though ..and went the back way..and passed by my old school..went down part of the old bus route ..remembering and forgetting the kids that never spoke to me and then the ones that made fun of me...i slipped through school because i was quiet and stopped speaking after a while...i am reminded that it is my fault that social services was sent to our house ... and yes..death would have been easier than facing mommies wrath at finding out it was me...and so i did what she said and lied .... lied about all of it because protecting family comes before everything ...ugh...maybe ill stop writing for a bit and just add pictures...
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