i had a conversation earlier with one of my behavioral health ppl..and we talked about moods and emotions..and i know its not therapy with her..but the desire to just talk and have someone listen for a little while is just so overwhelming at times..i talked a little bit to my supervisor this morning...and then kept right on talking when i got to my next appointment...but i keep trying to convince myself that i dont need therapy..that im fine..and i know the depression and feelings and things are getting me down right now ..and im scared and worried and i know that i things suddenly have no time frame at all..and that does make me feel super anxious and on edge..i cant stay here forever..and will have to move on at some point ... but the fears are coming back..the worry and stress and wondering about what is going to happen...but that is not what is bothering me the most right now...
so i saw the bh person today and we went for a walk and i almost busted my butt walking on ice..but i think i was more outwardly showing that i was depressed today..i couldnt seem to connect to myself at all..yes i could see, hear, and touch stuff around me ...but i made no real connections with anything ...and she was trying hard to get me to connect the things around me to myself and just notice my surroundings..and i have so much trouble with that...i spend so much time looking and disregarding what is around me that being asked to do it on purpose confuses me...i cant focus on just one thing..that is not safe..i have to be able to know and hear what is going on around me at all times..and that means i can never truly focus on one thing completely..because that leaves me open to being hurt in some way if i am not paying attention..and i try to explain that..and its like ok where do you feel safe..and i dont know where i feel safe or where i can completely let down my guard...but again im completely getting off track...
she asked me how i was doing and i said fine...she asked what was going on and we talked about some of the more current things going on..and it then became a comversation of how my mood was..because i had made some statement about how my mood controls everything...my mood..not my emotions..its my mood that i can figure out because its either good or bad...but with emotions there are to many options and again i get confused and unable to pinpoint how i am feeling. but if i just work with how my mood is then it is a little bit easier..if im in a bad/sad/depressed mood then i dont want to do anything..i want to isolate and sleep and ignore things..if im in an okay mood then maybe i have more motivation...i actually want to do things..etc..but we were talking about this and she kept mentioning that my moods control me..and that it would help if i was able to connect more with the world around me..because i need to get out of my head pretty much...but i dont know how to gauge how i am feeling or how to act or how to do anything...ugh im feeling confused..
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