just thinking...

im trying to not let what happened destroy me..im trying not to be so negative and mean to myself and all of that..i want to though..i want to tear myself  apart..but instead i am laying down and trying to write instead...trying to tell myself that it has happened and that focusing on it isnt going to change it...i keep drifting back in to the thoughts that this is pay back for things ive done..that well i took things from other ppl and so this is karma..and so it is my fault..the negative thoughts are so easy...and almost comfortable...i can sink into the negativity and just stay there...got very close to cutting last night but again instead i juts took meds..cried..and laid down...i am feeling as if i will keep to myself though...its like see trying to be social and friendly and this is what happens...so many what ifs...so many ways things could have been different..and i was so angry yesterday..but today im just sad..and trying to plan for the lack of money..i want to cry again but im trying not to...my morning person cancelled on me so i am just laying back down for now...getting really painful cramps today..and its making me feel nauseous .... maybe ill just stay in bed today...i dont know...