i guess the biggest news is that i will not be moving into the apartment that i have been waiting for ... for 6 months i have waited..and sarah too...we waited and called and hassled and finally we were told that the apartment place is refusing to send in the paperwork that is needed... 6 freaking months they had us waiting..im still so angry about it..im trying not to be but i am...so much had been depending on that..and now it really does feel like being back at square one..starting all over again...planning and looking and more planning..and all of it just makes me want to scream...and the lack of therapy is beginning to become more of an issue...the need to talk and talk through things is needed..and i feel like im just floating out in no mans land with no direction at all..i tell myself to be strong when i want to break..i tell myself to be supportive when i just want to cry...but by now i know the signs..and i know i am starting to slip a bit..go backwards a little bit...i want to stop caring and i cant..i know i cant .. but i just feel so tired and worn out...so back to the planning stages..trying to figure out the next steps..trying to calm down enough to think about the next steps without acting irrationally...and yes im slowly beginning to be able to think and figure things out..but at the same time it all just makes me sad..because i am still being prevented from being with the person that i want to be with..the person who helps calm me down and lets me cry..and its like how much are we expected to handle ? how many times will we be turned down for something...
have i mentioned that my head hurts ??
and yesterday i went to the doctor and found out that i have gained weight and that had me feeling so upset and depressed and just so mad at myself...in 6 months i gained about 15 pounds...it makes me feel so stupid ... so out of it..how could i let that happen...i think im just completely disgusted with myself right now...and i didnt want to talk to the doctor about it..i juts wanted to leave yesterday before i started crying...it prolly has been 6 months since ive weighed myself..and well i should have figured i was gaining weight..i really should have..but no i ignored it..and now im just i dont know..ashamed of myself ... im embarrassed and ashamed of my body..negative thoughts fill my head..and i just am not in a good frame of mind right now..with anything...
and maybe i should stop before i really do start crying...
2 comments:
That sucks tha tyou aren't moving and have been waiting for six months only to find out they're not willing to send some freaking paperwork. Also tough that you don't have therapy. I understand what it's like being in no man's land.
thanks for the understanding astrid.
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