before i write anything i feel the need to point out that i am not purging...thats really important for some reason...but that being said..im doing all sorts of other stuff...
i dont know where to begin really...its all just a confusing mess..and im stuck in the middle of it..and im not sure what im doing or what i want to do..im just kinda coasting alone through it all...because of money issues..buying food and all of that has been a big concern...and so when i have money now..or whenever i get a little bit of money i obsess about food and buying food and all of that..i get so freaked out that im gonna run out of food..that i have to buy everything i can..and there have been a couple times when i really was out of food..and for me being out of food really means that there is nothing in the house that i will eat..i understand that beggars cant be choosers..but i really have so many issues when it comes to food and what i will and wont eat that its ridiculous..where as someone else would come into my apartment and find plenty to eat..i see what i have and its nothing..i dont want it..which brings me to the issue of throwing away perfectly good food because i dont want it..its not even an issue of it being not good or old or growing mold or something...no..once i decide i dont want it and that i wont eat it i will throw it away..and then feel guilty for wasting food..and well its a pretty bad circle..i mean in general im not buying the healthiest food you know..the healthy junk is more expensive..and i can get microwave pizzas and junk for like 1 or 2 dollars..and to me it makes sense to buy what i can afford and just say screw it to being healthy..because its just more stress and more issues..and well im not lacking by any means in issues...but in all honesty i eat like a child..i would be perfectly happy going to a restaurant and ordering off of the kids menu because thats easier and less stress..and the food isnt all weird and gross..but im not a child..and i need to be able to order like an adult and most of the time i dont even want too...
the past few days i have been cramming together everything food wise..i keep saying no to fast food and turningaround and getting it...and then i wont eat anything else that day if its late..or ill go out late and grab something because im just so hungry..and just need something to eat..god i think i crave mcdonalds!..and i know its not healthy ..i know that..and yet i get it like it is..and i just make myself think that its ok..that ill stop eating it tomorrow..and that it will all magically be ok...when i know good and well that im gaining weight..and that im not eating healthy and that my blood pressure is high..i know all of this and still im making horrible choices when it comes to food...the past few days ive been eating a salad with dinner...small ones..but salad none the less..and when i cook i dont make the most unhealthy stuff..but it could be healthier..and its all about choices im making and what i think and i dont know how to change it...im trying to keep more fruit and stuff in the house..but its like i just want it while im in the store and once im at home i dont want any of it anymore and then it all just sits in the fridge until it goes bad and ive wasted the money..i cant afford to waste money and yet i keep doing this..i keep buying stuff that i think im gonna eat and then i dont like it..or dont want it..and end up just throwing it away..and i know better..i do..and its just frustrating ...
for the past week i have had massive stomach issues..everything i would eat would leave me feeling very sick..and well going to the bathroom...and i guess in some ways its still going on..but last week was exceptionally bad and i felt horribly..but im feeling more normal this week..but this week im feeling more bloated..and just in general kinda having a nasty outlook..body wise..and i dont know how to make the bloated feeling go away..and maybe all of this is driving and well enhancing my food issues...i dont know..maybe its just i know ive gained a lot of weight and its just bothering me that im not working harder to lose and all of that ..i mean some days i wonder if i want to lose weight at all...i think ive gotten just so so comfortable being fat..that im not able to consider being any other way..being fat i guess protects me in a way..because i know no one is interested in me..that no one will look twice at me..and i dont have to worry about socializing or dating or being touched or any of that stuff..and so it is a comfort i guess..and one that has worked well..well being quiet has helped that along to..but really its like ive have destroyed my body..my mind is well on the way to being destroyed..and i dont feel that ill ever be 'normal' cas im so screwed up..but its just ive managed to find all these ways and things that protect me..because that was all i knew...and now im trying to work on them all and to feel better..and get better and i cant do it...im afraid to change..and be different..and become someone that im not...but not changing is slowly killing me in every way possible..so its pretty much a lose-lose situation..and ive worked it out so well and gotten it so concrete..thats its impossible almost to change any of it..
and so again..im just setting myself up to fail..and maybe thats why im feeling so suicidal lately..because i believe that i cant do this..i cant change..it will kill me..and so i do things to sabotage myself..to make sure i mess up..to push away my therapist..so that she doesnt have to deal with me..to push everyone away so that no one will know exactly what it is im doing..god how many times a day am i asked how i am? and i say im fine with a smile and people move on..if i said it was a crappy day and i was feeling suicidal no one would know how to manage me..but i dont need anyone managing me..i can manage myself...but im keeping myself alone in the worst way arent i...trying to be so separate..trying to not need any help...trying to find a way to die that just wont be noticed..but i go to therapy and hope that my therapist will some how figure it all out and save me..but im just not sure i even want to be saved anymore...i go and hope but i keep failing ..so im not sure about anything anymore..
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