proper nutrition?

the past couple weeks ive been really struggling with food and all of that...ive made some bad choices and have been binging a lot this past week...but i knew what i was doing..and i just didnt care you know..i wanted food and i had money and that was it..i just wanted everything and couldnt seem to get enough at all..no matter what i ate i just wanted more..and the worse it was the better..and i would eat and feel just horrible you know...i just couldnt seem to get a handle on it and i couldnt figure out how to make myself stop and it was just bad ... but since umm last weekend i think when i was considering being a vegetarian again ive been going up and down with food..some times i hate and cant stand eating.and then i just want food and i want to just keep eating...the thoughts to purge are there but i havent acted on them at all..its been months since ive purged..i meean i think ive done it maybe twice in the past like 10 months..but i think it was thursday that i was starting to feel upset and annoyed at myself for how ive been eating..that is when i realized that im screwing up things even more than they need to be screwed up and i needed to stop...and i guess friday night was the last straw..like i got fast food for dinner and felt so so very horrible about myself and my choices that i just got caught up in negative thinking and well thinking bad things..and all of that..because i know better...i know that my bp is threw the roof right now and that i just am going to kill myself either way if i dont start eating healthier .. and i know that last week i was thinking that using not eating meat as a way to stop eating altogether..and i know that isnt good and i know its a bad choice and all but the thoughts are still there you know...i get so caught up thinking that i just want to stop eating and that i need to count calories and all of that...all day i think of calories but im not going overboard yet..im not counting everything i eat but im am kinda estimating i guess..im already constantly thinking about what my next meal will be..i have to plan..i have to stick to the plan...i cant waste food and so everything has to count ..and well i dont have money to go and like buy a million different things..but i can tell it is just going to get more and more strict..i think about how things were before and how much i easier it was before to control what i ate or didnt eat or purged...maybe i care more now..but even if i care i can make myself suffer just as easily..im hungry and i refuse to let myself eat unless its time to eat..i know that going down to 1000 calories counts as starving..and im not doing that..i know that skipping meals makes my body think its starving and that it will store fat..i am doing that though..i skip meals throughout the day and then get so so hungry that i cant control myself..so im trying to make sure i eat throughout the day..little snacks...but still i trying i guess to keep a handle on things but it feels so hard and overwhelming right now...im just keeping a food journal now in a different blog..so i can i guess make sure that i am eating ..and all that..