today is turning into a better day than i thought it would be..im getting ready to go and see the lady at the dept of social services..and im trying hard to be positive and have a good outlook about it...its not shameful to need help..and i can see that today...i can..its every other day that i question it big time..blah but for right now im trying and all that..cas i do need help and a lot of it..and ive just been thinking about how ive been treating linda and shutting down with her and i need to stop doing that too cas she is just trying to help also..
i can safely pay my rent..and so i wont be evicted..but now im fighting with all my other bills to figure out how to get them paid and all that..trying to remember that i just need to keep waiting and keep holding on to the fact that i will be getting paid in sept..and that if i just keep working and trying things will work out...you know i saw my old supervisor last week and like i told her things were stressful with money and stuff and jobs and all that..and she told me that she hope things got better for me..and i thanked her and all that..but i realized later that what she said meant absolutely nothing..its like she was just saying it to say it and have it out there..but she didn't care..and i realize that my first impression of her was right..i didnt like her..i tried though you know..i gave her every chance i could and i managed..but looking back..no i dont think i really liked her at all..but thats over and done with now...its as if i never worked there you know..and its sad..but i need to move on and i cant keep holding on to that..i need to let it go...
and i am..i mean i have two jobs know..and it will take careful careful planning and time management skills to keep both for a while..but im willing to do that..cas technically with both i am doing part time right now..and so it equals to two checks ..well four checks next month..and i need the money..i do..but if it gets to be super stressful and confusing i know that ill have to pick and choose..which i dont want to do cas i like both places..but yeah..
you know maybe i can deal with this..all of it..maybe i can manage enough to keep getting by and struggling and trying and all that and not break down or do anything stupid...i realized today during my morning staff meeting that i need to be a better example for the kids im working with..cas my wrist is peeling horribly from the recent cuts..and since ive lost my bracelet i dont have a way to keep it covered..and i cant say ive been trying that hard..but i realize that some people prolly can look at my arm and know that i cut..or have cut in the past..and these are people that i work with..who trust me to be at my best to go and work with the clients..and all i think about is the scars that im hiding..the scars that still hurt..how in the world can i go and counsel kids who are struggling when im struggling right along with them? and i guess the deciding factor would be whether or not ive stopped..whether or not im getting help..i dont want to be struggling with the cutting and all the other stuff for the rest of my life..i dont..and that means stopping..seriously stopping and using my coping skills and god forbid talking to linda about whats going on..and letting her help me..i have to let her help me..i dont know why ive been pushing her away.but i have..and i think that i need to get a handle on my anger and all of that..i think a lot of it has to do with feeling so ashamed of needing the help and well help with everything and not being able to afford it..not having money makes me feel like im not good enough..like i dont work hard enough..and well darn this meeting today is like the icing on the cake of not good enough..but im going..i need the help..im trying to positive about it even though its killing me...and i hate it..and i loathe to even walk into the department of social services..and its not that im thinking im better than everyone..its not..its just i hate the fact that i need help..and that i cant afford food, or my medicine or bills..its not supposed to be like this you know..its not..and i read that and i feel so stupid..cas i know im not entitled to anything..and that i have to work just like everyone else for things..but the department of social services has such a negative light..i cant stand it..i keep wondering if i would have been able to manage working there..i keep thinking that i could have worked there..and had to work with people who are struggling and scared and lost and i dont know if i could handle it...linda told me that theres nothing to be ashamed of..she told me that because im having to go through all this and because i have done it then ill be able to understand the families i work with who are dealing with it..and struggling and all of that..and yeah i can...and it still sucks..its sad and depressing and i hate it...but all that being said..im going..whether i want to or not im going..and i guess ill just have to see what happens
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