guess i need to write whats actually going on...

i had been watching a movie on lifetime..i know i know! but before that i had been watching svu..and then i watched a movie on hallmark..and the movie on hallmark was one i could relate to a lot and at one point i tried finding something else to watch on tv and couldnt..and so i watched the movie..and i just hate how everything just works out for them on tv and in movies..and they are all safe and happy and protected and all that and its not fair :'( how much i wish life could be like that really hurts..and i know its not true..but it seems like it is so so much..its just not fair :(

ive really struggled this weekend..i dont know why.but the sad overwhelming thoughts are just overwhelming..and i just feel so trapped and alone..i dont know..it took a lot for me to realize yesterday that i was feeling suicidal again..i dont want to be suicidal..i really dont ..but it keeps happening and i dont know what to do about it..guess ill have to talk to linda about it..but i dont want to do that either..cas she will worry again..but i really dont know what to do..

yvonne is leaving this week...the moving truck is coming tomorrow morning..finally..and it sucks cas shes not even getting all her stuff this time around..and so next month at some point and it started out with that ggreg was going to be moving stuff in and having a key and all that..and i told her that i wasnt ok with that at all..because i wasnt..i wasnt making it up or trying to be difficult..but yvonne was pushing to far and making all these plans and then telling me what im going to do..and i dont like that .. and so we had a talk..and i stood my ground..and greg will not have a key..and i hope yvonne doesnt lie about that..she did a lot of apologizing and all that...she made it all about her again..and i just listened and didnt react to anything she said..i said what i had to say and that was the end of it for me..i really just want her to go..i need my space back..i need time alone..and i say that and know that i am feeling very suicidal..and i suddenly dont think the meds are really working..-sigh- it just all makes me so tired..and i guess im just feeling disappointed and let down with everything..