today has been ok so far but im drifting and i know i am..i have such a headache..and i know its because work ..well the team meeting today was really triggering...because the new girl is an active cutter and actively suicidal and so talking about it and well listening to it being talked about ..just kinda caused a reaction..and its been so good lately you know..no cutting or anything..and now its like the urge is really really big and it makes me nervous..did wear a short sleeved shirt today but have been keeping a jacket on all day because today the scars are shameful and sad..and no one here has really asked me about them..and i guess on some level the therapist and them could prolly figure it out..but i dont want to just go and make it super easy for them :( ...because im sure me actively cutting would make me lose my job or there would be a whole lot of extra stuff placed on me to make sure i was getting 'help'..and i dont want that..and yeah my cutting...our cutting is way more serious that the girls here do or have done..and they really dont know how bad cutting can be..but i do ..and it is not something i want to talk about with the girls or have it implied or anything..because i know eventually there will be a girl who does ask about the cuts..and i dont know what to say...i have mentioned to some of the girls that i just had a hard time growing up and left it at that..but i dont know..its just hard..and i wish the headache would go away...i just kinda want to go home... i dont think im feeling very grounded at all right now..im not in panic mode..but feeling a bit on edge and off...
i didnt cut...do believe the urge is still there but its not as strong right now...its going to take some getting used to with the new girl..but will have to figure out something...
feeling really confused about a work relationship..and im not sure what it is i wants from it..it confuses and embarrasses me a lot
but ran a few errands this morning..and trying to stay on top of laundry..and making sure i get it done today..but i just kinda want to go back to sleep cas i feel like ive been up for forever and its still barely 11..
dont think i will be doing much today..not really liking the warmer weather...its so hard finding tshirts that are long enough :(
but anyway..guess thats all..kinda rambling i think
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