hmmm

yesterday was hard..therapy was hard t was very very hard today. :( we are feeling very sad and not connected..not contained it what it was earlier..like being outside was hard cas i thought i was going to fly apart..

very upset with t for being so understanding..she didint yell at me for cutting or isolating so much this past weekend...she did ask me to work on not cutting and not isolating..and she said it was good that i was working this weekend...we spent particularly the entire time talking about yvonne leaving and how i was feeling..and really it was to the point that i was biting my lip to keep from crying..but i think she could tell i was really beyond being ok..and she asked what i needed before i left and i couldnt tell her that i just wanted reassurance and well maybe a hug..i told her i didnt know and asked her what she wanted to tell me..and she went off and listened all this stuff she wanted me to know..and it did help..but made me want to cry even more..and then i had to go to work after i left her..and tried hard to pull myself together..but didnt do such a good job of it..and was crying in the car when i got to work..and just kept my sunglasses on for as long as i could..i was quiet and to myself..and really did take a while before i left more able to particpate..like the need the be quiet and still is really strong right now..i want to isolate so so very much..i want to be alone..and im at work where that cant really happen :(...i just need to think..without interruptions..and im afraid if i think at home it will not end well..but i have to do something because there are to many thoughts in my head..i cant process it all... :snoopy just made me realize that we are far from dealing with all of this..very far..because talking about it just ppulled all the hurt and sad and angry feelings back up..and well if i got to the point of crying then yeah there is still a lot to deal with...

well i wrote that yesterday

today just feeling tired..but i got internet and cable hooked up today and that does mamke me feel a lot better...i have missed it lol..

but just feeling a little quiet and to myself today..not in isolation mode..but just kinda alright being alone today..