hard night

have really really been wanting to write today..so many thoughts in the head today..the need for quiet and stillness is strong..and i guess its because there is so much chaos inside..not even the work chaos bothered me today..well there wasnt a lot of it but my mind was not in work...i kept going to sit outside because it was quiet..calm..still..i realized there is worry and anxiety and it all has to do with going home..now that we have decided to actually go the worry is setting in..and im scared..well not scared just anxious..im still afraid to go home..even now im still afraid..always afraid to go home..even for just a couple days..i feel small and so so alone..it gives me a headache..actually this week i cant seem to get rid of my headache..the sadness creeps in and takes over and i dont know what to do about it...my sister has pneumonia..and so i feel like i have to go home now even more to check on her and see her and make sure she is ok..there is not enough quiet...its bothering me that i cant have quiet..and that makes me think of stupid things to do to reach that level of oblivion..where nothing matters and everything is ok..it would be so easy to just say screw it and cut..but that cant happen..i dont want it to happen..but i just dont know..