really am struggling to deal with all of this...im upset and sad..and it doesnt seem to be going anywhere at all..i dont know what to do at all..im trying hard to think more logically and rational today..im trying to get myself to answer and identify what it is i need to do to make this work..and that scares me..all of it scares me...i feel like im going to fail again and end up going home..maybe thats what the big part of it is that im afraid to look at...failing and needing mommy to bail me out of trouble again..or some how convince me to come home..but i keep reminding myself that i have a job here..i have a reg paycheck here..and thats how i need for it to stay..i need to depend on myself...i need to be able to keep up with my bills and take care of myself and make this work...im an adult ..not a child..i can take care of myself when i have to..now it not the time for me to break down..because that is all mommy needs to start telling me that i cant do this and that i need to move home...im not going to tell her yet anyway..maybe ill wait until over the summer before telling her...i decided today that over the summer ill have to find a part time job..because it will be a lot more expensive living on my own...but i think im done with roommates...this time around with yvonne has been really disappointing and its been more like living on my own than with a roommate..and i think that maybe thats just what i need to do..and find a place that i like and can call my own for a while..because darnit i hate moving..i hate things changing..i really really do..and now i have to change things again..and the not knowing if its going to be a good or bad change wears on me...
i have yet to talk to yvonne...i have spoken to her once in the past 4 days..she has yet to come and tell me what is really going on...and its disappointing that still im the last on her list to talk to..cas she just assumes ill be there i guess..she is the cause of turning my world upside down and she doesnt even stick around long enough to talk to me about it..she has asked once and that was well four days ago..and i told her i wasnt ready to talk and i wasnt..but then i havent seen her and its like well .. ok..i get tired of waiting for her to remember me...of waiting for her to remember that she is supposed to live here too...i guess im just feeling very very betrayed by her..like she is becoming like everyone else who lets me down..she needed me when it was convenient for her..she got me here..and then i just wasnt as important anymore .. i wasnt needed anymore because i was here and not going anywhere..and its hard to think like that...but it feels true..i may be wrong..i may not be..but im going on how it has been living with her the past 6 months ... she is never around..and then she comes in and buys me stuff and then apologizes for being a bad roommate and she promises to be around more..and nothing changes..she is not here..and thats all there is to it..and more often than not when she is here she has company..so what am i supposed to think? how am i supposed to act? maybe i do need to step away and just have to depend on myself for a while..maybe i need to prove to myself that i can make it on my own..and that living alone is not the end of the world ..
this is kinda what i asked myself this morning to help bring order to my head...i think there are still questions i need to ask myself but i dont know what they are yet ...
What is the situation ?
• Yvonne is moving
What does that mean for you ?
• Im going to have to move because I cant afford the two bedroom alone
What are your options
• I can stay in va and try to make it living by myself
• I can move back home and try to stay safe
• I can move somewhere else and start over….again
Of the 3, which do you prefer?
• Staying in va because I like it here, because I have a job, and docs, because im managing and am ok here, and I have friends here
What are you going to have to do inorder to make staying possible?
• Im going to have to start looking for an apartment
• Im going to have to start saving so I can afford to move
• Over the summer I may have to find a part time job
• Everything is going to have to be put on hold once the summer is over because of moving and making sure I can afford everything
i guess thats a step in the right direction..but im not sure either..but i think i better get my mind on something else for a while because i can feel that im starting to get overwhelmed by all this again
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