lots of thoughts

i couldnt sleep last night..and so im up already..i want to sleep...im so tired..but still im awake..i think there is just stuff bothering me and its starting to get the best of me..im really very jealous right now..of everyone else..i feel like i dont fit in anywhere..i never have so what would make now any different..im upset that i cant manage to make friends or talk to people..and i try to make myself feel better and say that it doesnt bother me when it really does :( i hate this..i hate not being able to relate to the people i work with..i can relate to the kids..i wish i didnt relate to the kids so much..i want to be ...i just dont know what i want to be..who i want to be..i just feel like this is something im overreacting to..why should it matter you know who my shift partner is friends with..it shouldnt bother me so much that she has taken to the people we work with more than i have..but ive started comparing myself to her..i want to be like her..i want to be talkative and happy and just good...and im not..and that upsets me...

i was talking to one of the girls yesterday..and we were sitting outside ..just the two of us..and i was listening to her talk..and as i was responding to some things she said i just told her about something i had said to my therapist.and told her that i had been in therapy for a long time and that i was just getting to the point of accepting that...and it was one of those 'right moment' kinda things..because she is one that i can see really improving and moving on and having a life...i want to see her move on and succeed i really truly do...because i just know she can.. in talking with her i realized that i dont want my past to define who i am anymore...im not a victim, im not a child..im just me..with all my faults and umm not faults..and i have to make do with me..which is something that im really struggling with..but more noticeably now..cas well i dont know..it just is..

im feeling down today..i wantt to pull in on myself..shut everyone else out..i want to be quiet and alone..very very alone..because once i figure out that im feeling jealous i just want to do bad things..because being jealous is not a good thing to feel..

well since im up i may as well do something productive..but really i just want to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself..im useless..hmm yeah i better stop writing because the words and feelings are just getting really negative :(