back to not ok

I need to write before I forget this. im struggling tonight with being safe and making good choices..I know I am..and im also feeling perfectly okay with making very bad choices tonight just for the outcome..I realized today that I wanted attention..on the drive back to va I started thinking that I really wanted attention and that I didn’t know how to get it..except if I did something bad..and then I would have loads of attention..I just wanted to be noticed..talked to I guess…just being at home lleaves me feeling very depressed and detached and alone..and being at home with mommy does not get my needs met at all..I don’t know what my needs are exactly but they just arent being met..I don’t feel needed or important at home and so its just hard being there..and I struggled last night to while at home..but I still havent cut…im waiting to cut..I want to..well kinda..I have a whole list of things that I can do to get some attention..and im assuming the attention is going to come from linda because she is the only person I would tell about it…but I want her to be mad at me..I want her to yell at me..I want a reason to just keep cutting..it wouldn’t be the same if she just wasn’t mad..I want her to be mad..I want her to react..I just want her to do something..and I don’t think I really know what it is..I keep thinking I want attention..but I don’t know how to ask for it..except to do something I shouldn’t do..and it bothers me that im okay with that…that I would cut just so that I would have to tell her..just so that she would be concerned and care and make sure I was ok.. L it confuses me because I don’t cut for the attention at all…I would hide the scars from everyone else..but I don’t know..I just want something and im not sure how to go about getting it..

I also realized that I don’t live at home anymore today…I know it took a while..6 months to be exact..but that’s what else I was thinking about kinda off and on this weekend..the fact that I don’t live at home..all my stuff is gone..I have to ask mommy if I need anything..I really truly don’t live there anymore..and that is scary too..

the scars
im trying towrite..I want to cut..or cry..both things that just bother me a lot..im struggling to keep myself together..but the sudden warm weather is really getting to me..and im having a hard hard time dealing with it..and the scars..I want to be normal and im not..ill never ever fit in..because ill always have to make sure im being careful..I always have to be careful…im sad..no im past just being sad..I don’t know what I am..im hurt and just cant focus..im not ashamed of myself..im ashamed of the scars..and that they will never go away…and ill never be able to do anything like anyone else..I don’t want the scars..I want them to go away..and they wont..and all the overwhelming feelings make me want to cut even more..wanting attention aside..I want the tears to stop..its not often that I cry about the scars or cutting or anything..but this week it has really been constantly on my mind..and I know I should just kinda let the feelings happen and all that but I cant..they scare me because they are so overwhelming..all the yelling and negative thoughts are to much to deal with…I don’t want to deal with any of it…