i want to shut down. i want to just stop thinking and worrying about everything right now. its overwhelming and stresses me out ..i am stressed and i dont know what to do at all. yvonne is leaving in september. which means ill have to figure out what im going to do..im getting slightly paranoid thinking that ill be forced or tricked into going back home..i dont want to go home..ill kill myself if i go home again..but staying here isnt going to work out either..well not staying in this apartment..and that means moving and moving is just overwhelming by its self and i always freak out and just have a hard time handling stuff when i have to deal with moving and packing and everything. i cant do it..its not even happening until sept and already i feel like my world has come crashing down..and im upset..very very upset and i keep pushing all those feelings away..yvonne spent all the time to convince me to come here and i do and then shes not even around..and now shes leaving..and i can understand the reasons behind it...but right now it feels like she just did everything for her benefit and i just went along with it..and now im stuck...and she told me the other night that we needed to figure out what to do about me ..and that makes me mad to because i can take care of myself and i dont need anyone doing anything for me..because ill do whatever i have to do in the end..but i dont need anyone feeling obligated to 'take care of me'. im not a child. i just cant think because upset feelings get in the way..and i get caught up thinking that ill have to go home..it feels like i just moved and now now i have to look at moving again..i have to figure out how its all going to work out..and i dont know how it is..staying in the apartment i have now is not going to work money wise..without a roommate.. and im not all that sure about living with someone i dont know...moving into a 1 bedroom would take a lot of planning and budgeting because up here most 1 bedrooms are almost $600..and im sure i could find some a little cheaper but well safety and all that becomes an issue and i dont want to live in a crappy apartment and not feel safe there if i have to pay for it..and that is just a lot of money..and im just feeling lostand alone and all out of sorts because i cant figure any of it out.. i told nia what was going on but not mommy..but she will have to know soon enough i guess..but i dont know how to tell her because i know she will ask if im moving home..and i dont have an answer for that yet..i dont want to get guilted into it..i dont want to go home..and no matter how much i keep saying it i still cant convince myself that it wont happen..i dont trust myself to stay calm and rational when talking to her..and so im stuck..i feel like i need to figure this all out now. i need to know what is going to happen and how im going to do things..and its to early to figure it out..and i cant let it go..im worrying and thinking about it all non stop because i need for it to work out..and i dont know if it will..
cut yesterday
and i plan on canceling t for next week..partly because im in training and im not sure about going in late..and that is bothering me..and partly because i dont want to talk to anyone..i dont even want to talk to yvonne right now..and i know it will lead to me just isolating big time this weekend..not that i had plans anyway but i just want to be alone and quiet..and i guess i want a little more time before i have to admit to cutting again..but i know i will be all over the place from missing a session..i dont think ive missed a week since i started with this linda..and theres a lot going on and so it may not be my best idea in the world..but for now i havent canceled it yet..so i dont know..no desire to go right now but that could change over the weekend.
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