whats going on...

hmm i should write...but i keep putting it off..i want to write though..i always want to write because i have to get things out of my head...

i have become more guarded though..with everyone ..and i know a lot of it has to do with the fact that i was at home so long..and that i had to be careful always of what i said or didnt say. it doesnt help that i forget so much stuff, and then of course having mommy swear ive said or done something that i dont remember..but its just hard to let go of that need to keep things to myself...yvonne is right in that im not talking to her as much as i used to..and its not really anything to do with her as like a roommate or anything..im just really needing to ..well im feeling the need to just be quiet..very quiet..and i know its bordering on being incredibly isolating and depressing..and i should know better..but things are still to new..im still adjusting i think to the move and all that..and so all i have to comfort myself is silence or well all the stuff i shouldnt be doing..im going to try hard to talk about all this with linda though..cas im doing it with her too..and struggling so much makes me want the old linda and not the new one...but the old linda isnt the same anymore since moving..and the comfort of telling her stuff is slipping..because like she told me there is no followup...i cant get to her anymore..and that makes me really really sad..and the new linda is trying and im certainly not making it easy on her..but im also not trying as hard as i could be with therapy..and i know that ..i read this article the other day about blocks with therapy and i still have more than im comfortable admitting..and i use them all the time..when am i going to get the picture that showing up is not enough to make all this stuff better...and neither is glossing over all the old stuff or not talking about...its all the old stuff thats affecting me..its all the old pain and hurt and shame and guilt that i go out of my way to ignore..that makes me soooooo hard to deal with..i want to make excuses ..i really do..but thats all they would be ...excuses..i need to try harder..i need to care more...even after all these years i still see suicide as an answer to everything..and now with stoping and starting meds i have more means to act on those thoughts if i wanted to..but ive had the thoughts for so long that i can think or not think about them as i need to..tthey are just there..and i can either work around them or focus way to much on them..im gotten pretty good at working around them though..i guess...i am more comfortable talking to the pdoc though..shes ok i guess ..shes careful not to give me to many meds at once..so kudos to her..cas if i had it my way id prolly just take everything and be so out of it all i could do was sleep...that would be nice..which lets me know that underneath things im still feeling super depressed..

it is hard..all of it..some things i try to work on..most i dont..most i just hope will magically get better if i ignore it long enough..which is prolly why i seemed to forget all those coping skills i had to do last year to keep myself from dying..they seem so silly and not important right now..and i forget to use them until its to late..after the fact i beat myself up for not trying harder..for giving in..for giving up..and theres just some point the in whole circle that i keep missing..and so i keep just staying stuck and annoyed and sad with all of it..my chest doesnt hurt anymore..but the urges are still there.. i thought about finding my hidden razors the other night and didnt do it..all the willpower i could dig up had to go towards not cutting because i think i would have the other night and i dont even remember why...those thoughts are still very vvery overwhelming..and it sucks

the new linda asked me something during the last session and asked me to think about it...something about why working with the girls triggers me...hmm no maybe im implying what the question should have been..it was something along those lines though..rats for forgetting..but working with the girls is really hard for me..harder than i ever imagined it would be..and maybe thats way im questioning if this is the right job for me..right now..yeah its experince..yeah its a job..but i dont think i like residental very much..i know im not planning on staying for to long at this job though..i want to stay for now though..to learn and try and because in general i do like the group..im trying to be okay with the possibilty that thsi may not be the right job for me..and trying to be ok with that too...but i think the biggest thing is just that their need for attention, to be noticed, loved, accpeted..clashes with my need for the same things...i cant get that from the girls and i think i try to some times..i like when they say they miss me or that im nice or their favorite...those are nice things and i love hearing them..but at the same time im supposed to be there to make sure they are ok and working on there stuff..i cant keep letting my stuff come up and get in the way...and so then i turn and go and do stuff i should do because then it means ill tell and someone will care enough to ask if im ok..and notice me..which is really interesting because i hate being looked at and noticed but i want it all the same..i keep trying to have it both ways and it doesnt work like that..being with the girls does bring up my own issues..a lot more than i like..unresolved stuff i think linda mentioned..and i wanted to tell her that all i have is unresolved stuff...oh now i remember..she asked why i shut down after she asked me that question..she said it looked like a lightbulb went off and then i shut it all down and didnt say anything..i know my immediate response to her question had been along the lines of all of it is reseolved issues..which i thought and did not say..and just as quickly i stopped it..i didnt stop thinking..i stopped responding..a defense mechanism im sure..and im sure that most people would not even notice i was doing it..but linda saw it..and questioned it..but also gave me time to think about it..and it was annoying i guess...i told her i would think about it but had no real intention of doing that..i wanted to forget it..i didnt want her to know..but if i dont let her know ill be working on all this same stuff for forever..and i dont want that either..im not sure about the thoughts that happened that lead to me just kinda shutting down..i dont think i paymuch attention to them..umm i started thinking that it was bad, that i needed to be quiet..that she was just getting to close and so i had to stop responding to her..i needed to go away in some way..move back i guess..which i cant do physically..but in my head its a completely different area..and i can do what i want..i can hear or not hear..i can move back and forth..i can just go away..and hide behind answers that give nothing away..because i still have a hard time telling my secrets..i still feel like ill be in so so much trouble for telling..i also noticed the way her voice changes when she wants me to really get something..i forget what i asked her ..but she voice tone changed big time..and i have to fight myself not to respond to it..both lindas do that..they can go from normal to soothing depending on the subject..and i have to pay more attention..because it draws me in and i feel like i cant let that happen for some reason..why would anyone care about me or what happens to me..because if i really truly wanted to die no one would be able to stop me..and that thinking makes me feel super duper guilty..im not suicidal..really im not..but the thoughts are there always..and i worry about the promises i make to stay alive..to keep fighting all this stuff that seems like its not changing at all..its not fair .. i want to be better..i do..but puting the effort into dealing with everything may kill me by itself..facing the truth is not an easy thing at all..and denial has been mmy best friend for so long i cant seem to live without it...depending on the new linda to keep me alive is a control that i cant seem to give up..i have to have the control..i dont want anyone else controlling me..but me having this specific control is going to get me killed..because its all about how far i can push myself before i die without anyone catching on...if im not telling her or yvonne or anyone that im really suicidal or really depressed..then i cant expect them to help..sometimes im not even sure if i want them to help..admitting that something is wrong borders on being a secret...i just kinda toe the line and tell just enough to let them know ..but its the details i leave out..and i just outright lie in some cases...not telling is lying..saying im okay when i know without a doubt that im going to cut is lying...but ive been so used to it being ok..that showing im ok is enough to be left alone..im not supposed to crack under the pressure..which i guess is way i got so good at hiding all the bad thoughts..all the scars..people see what they want to see i guess..and im not noticable enough to even warrant that kind of attention...thats what the big difference in between the girls in my group and me..i didnt act out like they did, and thats why i never ended up in a residental place..i wasnt a problem..i was the most helpful, quiet, shy kid imaginable..and so no one bothered to question me..there were a few slip ups that got me into a hell of a lot of trouble..and lying was the way out of them..after swearing to be good, swearing to say what i was told to say..smiling and doing what was expected of me..and no one cared..i played my part to well..i lived and breathed the lies of my childhood until i believed them ..and called everyone else a liar..but now..little bits of truth push through and i cant believe them..im afraid to believe them..my little bubble of safety has been popped and im alone trying to deal with myself..half truths, and lies dont make for a very good story at all..its all or nothing i guess..and right now i have nothing to go on..little pieces of memories do not calm my fears..because what i remember is what scares me into silence..and then i go back to pretending..to hoping im wrong..to not being able to look in the mirror because of how i judge myself..and then i cant look at anyone else because i feel like ill die from shame and guilt..because i dont want to be judged or looked at or noticed..i dont want to have to talk and bring the focus on myself..i just want to slip through and get out..i want to go back to being able to hide..but i cant even get there anymore because im not supposed to cut..the calmness..the nothingness ..i cant have that anymore..

hmm well guess im just being super depressing right now..and i really didnt know so much was on my mind today..the solitude makes me reflective..and puts me in a questioning mood i guess..

so ill write about something else for a little while

the snow is awesome..dusti is confused by it..which is really funny..she spends most of the day sitting in the window just watching and listening to the water dripping..

im feeling better...sick wise anyway..im trying to stay on top of taking all the cold meds and what not..but i still have to go to the doc next week :( not fun at all..hmm oh meds were increased last week...instead of adding anything new..she just upped the lexapro and trazodone for now...with the possibilty of adding wellbutron next month if the increase wasnt helping...i need to research that drug a little bit and see what its all about..i dont mind trying it..but i think the lexapro increase is clearing my head a little bit..maybe it will help with my current never ending foul mood with everyone..im not trying to be mean..but im just always pissed off lately when im not by myself..so yeah..

guess that is all though..im tired now..very very tired...

ive been entertaining myself the past day or so with watching tv online..im currently watching season 1 of the l word...its an interesting show..a bit embarrassing for me with some scenes but the show itself is actually pretty good