all the distractions aside..i showed up for therapy right on time..i was worried i would be late..but made it...was a frustrating session..i am being stubborn over really small issues and refusing to give in or agree to do what she is asking me to do..and it really doesnt make sense..its not the end of the world..but the world may end before i give in type thinking with her today..maybe i really did have somethign to talk about and since we didnt talk about it i refuse to do anything for her no i really really dont make sense at all.. but it was nice to see her...wish i was being/feeling a bit less stubborn about things..ugh..really need to get my head together and come to terms with some things...
mommy is pushing for me to become a vegetarian again..and its like shes slowly wearing me down on that issue...the topic for the day with her was..'its a new year, have you cut down yet'.. because that is what i want to spend all my time thinking about..food..dieting..etc..etc..etc..stupid..thats all i need you know..ive been worrying about it alot anyway..food and stuff lately..but having it constantly thrown at me that i 'should' be dieting makes me anxious..i should be doing a lot of things that im not currently doing and its just hard i guess...its either all or nothing..cant be a part time vegetarian..really what would it matter..i mean yes it has its benefits..yes it is a bit healthier..yes i could do it again..3rd times the charm...but do i want to do it? thats the part i cant agree on...no..yes...maybe..i dont know..its not even a question of if i could do it..ive already done it..ive done it more than once..-sigh- i just dont know..it makes me feel bad that i cant even make up my mind on something so simple ..but eating is not a simple thing at all..its not..its hard and overwhelming and involves a lot of thought and planning and patience..so no i dont know what im gonna do about it..geez maybe vegetarian is the happy medium for me..give me a break from eating and all that..and it would give me time and space needed to kinda figure out what i do what to do instead of heading back into binging and purging or not eating..why do things have to be so hard...
work tomorrow and thursday..and then the weekend off..a nice long and boring break..thats what i want..i had to take a break from reading today...to many books crammed in yesterday..my head was spinning trying to process so many different stories..so today has been video game day...almost beat kingdom hearts..but still have a bit to go before i really beat it..
and now im tired..and sleepy and a bit stuffy lol..not sure if its sinus's or the meds still..cas one of the side effects for trazodone is congestion..and eevery morning these days i wake up super congested..but im guessing its a mix of being slightly sick and the meds...i think im feeling a bit better without the cymbalta...calmer in a lot of ways..i think ..and the next pdoc appt is at the end of january..so there will be changes then i think..maybe will try something different again and see how it goes..
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