today...today has been a really depressing day...therapy was hard and really rather triggering of some old things about relationships..and mommy and how they are just unequal..and it was hard..but i told her about the horrible time with the eye contact thing and how hard it was .. and she agreed to stop looking at me for little bits of time while im with her and letting me talk..it takes some of the anxiety off if i know shes not looking at me and was able to talk a little better with her..but still left really sad and out of it :(
and then i went to work and things kinda hit rock bottom after a few hours...i sat through the team meeting because its wednesday..and team is always on wed..but then my supervisor let me know that she needed to talk to me..and then made me wait for a couple hours before actually talking to me..so my anxiety was already up by the time i made it into her office...and come to find out the talk was about all that has been going on in the cottage..and how im doing..and to make a long depressing story short..i got a warning..:( ..about how im working and what i need to improve on..because im letting things slip up and kinda being sucked into agreeing to stuff that my shift partner wants to do..and i know i have to be responsible for my shift but i really just wanted to sit there and yell that it wasnt my fault :( it was hard to sit there and accept the criticism..it was hard to sit there and just kinda take it for what it was...i guess my supervisor was being as helpful as she could be..but i dont take criticism well and so its hard...by the end i was getting teary and had to really fight myself not to cry in her office...im trying to be as positive as i can about it..because well my job hangs in the balance..but then the negative thoughts still creep in because it is a big big deal..and im really unsure of myself right now..and having a lot of doubts about my job and everything..and being realistic i have to wonder if this is the right type of job for me :( maybe im not ready to tackle residential kids..and i tried and just couldnt deal with it..but i wonder will i be ok with it if i was fired and how that would affect me..maybe im trying to take on to much right now with the kids in the group and my own stuff..but i want my job..i really do...im learning and all that..and i know im not perfect and i know i have a lot of areas for improvement..but if i dont improve i will lose my job ..and then where will i be..?! ..im stuck in worse case scenario right now :'( and its really scaring me..i know i can only do my best and if its not for me its not for me but i feel like a big failure right now..i cant even do my job..and my shift partner is possibly looking at losing her job and i feel like its my fault..and im just confused and sad and upset...i know im being given the chance to prove that i can do this..that i can take the criticism and fix the things i can..but im still scared..and anxious..i dont like having my supervisor tell me that she doesnt feel safe leaving my shift partner and i with the girls..i really dont..because i dont want to do anything to hurt the girls but my trying to overly nice and compensating is just leading me into trouble..i have so much to work on ..its overwhelming :( ..its like sitting and again hearing a list of just everything i have done wrong ..and its hard...
im just sad..what will i tell mommy if i lost my job? she would kill me...
i just dont know anything right now
im really very depressing right now..so ill stop.
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