not ok

i dont know what to do right now..i dont know whats going on with us at all i know ive been tired today cas of how late we were last night..but today i dont know..i mean i got off work and my mood immediately fell big time i mean i was big time not ok..lots of bad thoughts and lots of rage and anger...and it was kinda directed at yvonnes absence..but it wasnt really about her you know..its just she ended up being the target in a way..but she wasnt here thankfully when i came home..and that just made me even more mad! i couldnt win for losing today..and then she came home and we were gonna go to be a move but the later it got the more i wasnt ok an the bad thoughts just kept getting worse ...it took a lot of energy to even talk to yvonne..i couldnt talk..i didnt want to talk..i was overwhelmed and not ok and sad and ready to cry all at once..i think i was suicidal at some point but i dont know..i almost told yvonne that i was suicidal a little bit and didnt because i didnt want her to know..i did tell her i was sorry for taking out my bad mood on her..mood lifted a little bit when she took us out for ice cream..and then we came home and we are alone again..and im not real sure about any of it right now throw in issues with food and not feeling good and im just one big ball of fun right now