once again feeling sorry for myself

i am once again struggling with myself..and wanting to just yell and scream and cry right now...its so easy to fall back into bad habits..so disappointing how easily i seem to forget all my coping skills..all my things im supposed to do inorder to stay calm and sane..and im not doing anything of them..and instead i keep doing all the stuff i shouldnt do..and i feel so stupid..and worn out from worrying about it all..right now im not feeling good..my throat hurts..my head hurts..and i cant even get up the energy to get up and move to take my sleep meds..cas im afraid to move..im afraid ill be sick again..i told myself over and over that i just felt sick and so throwing up was an accident.i was just helping along what was going to happen anyway...its been so long..i was doing so good and its like the more out of control things feel..the more i want to go back to my comfort zones..i want back the things that hurt and make me feel less crazy..but thats not true..i miight feel less crazy but the acts alone make me 'more' crazy..its the acts i have to live with and deal with..the guilt and sad feelings..the beating myself up and thinking over and over that i should have odne better..i should have tried harder..im so stupid ..and it all seems pointless right now..i do want to cry..i want to do something and i finally had to give in and write because my thoughts were not stopping or slowing down..i was distracted..i am distracted and upset with myself..and i feel miserable and that makes me feel so much worse..i dont want to do this anymore..i hate struggling to much..and i realize that the work stuff is adding fuel to the fire of sorts ...work is out of my control is most ways..but once im at home needing to have control goes overboard..im back to waiting to just forget everything to not think or deal with anything anymore...im just tired..and feeling really hopeless...maybe thats what it is..it all seems hopeless cas its never going to really stop..whats the point in even trying...