doubt...

if anything else happens at work this week i may need to be committed :( ... you know it makes me sad that one of the girls in my group told me that im different..that i dont smile anymore..have i become that out of it? that depressed? im hoping it was just the meds messing with me..but no i think the depression is back..im sadder..quieter..different..today was hell..plain and simple..im tired..im worn out from this week..im drained and theres nothing left to give..there was a fight in the group today..between two ggirls..the victim was pulled backwards out of her chair by her hair..hit and scratched and pucnhed and the poor girl didnt fight back...the other girl ended up being restrained by me..one of the residents grabbed her first but then i was there and asked the resident to let her peer go and then i had to restrain her..and move her..and let her calm down..the girl she attacked was hurt..the director of the program spent 2 hours sitting in the office with us trying to get this girl to talk..about why..why she did it..she had been starting to walk away..she had been doing the right thing and then she just snapped..and turned around and started hitting the other girl.it was bad..the rest of the group was shocked..i was in the room but not near enough to them to break them apart first..i think everyone was shocked ..everyone stopped and just kinda looked..and then we reacted...thinking back on it now..there is so much that could have happened..it should have been avoided..you know..i should have moved faster..i should have been closer..i shouldnt have been distracted with another resident..im worried now..wondering if i did all i could ..was there something i missed..was there something i forgot to do...i was at such a loss..i hate restraining and this is the first time ive had to restrain a kid in almost 3 years..and it hasnt gotten better being forced to hold a kid to stop them from hurting themselves or someone else..there isnt :( im worried im not doing my job..that the fight is a direct reflection on me..but i was there..i saw it..i did what i could..but i still think i should have done more.. i dont like it..and this all happens after having run aways, and room searches, and all kinds of drama this week..so im just tired..very very tired..

im annoyed big time..that i loaned mommy money..and now im broke..beyond broke until i get paid again..and so im worrying..trying to figure it all out..trying to figure out what i need to do..and im stuck..i cant do a damn thing until i get paid again and it makes me so so mad..im lucky i put away money for therapy next week or i wouldnt be able to go..i barely have enough to cover meds and everything and its still going to screw my account up..no more loaning money..i cant..not until things are more in order and stable..im still playing catch up and it sucks..im sick of just getting by..i am..

surprisingly i dont want to cut right now..i want to sleep for a month but i dont want to cut...i had a bad dream last night..about nia getting married and i was wearing a sleeveless dress but i had the new cuts on my arm and i couldnt wear it..i messed up the wedding..it was not a good dream...i think i had a couple bad dreams last night..

-sigh-

i can do this..i can make it to monday..i have noo choice but to make it to monday ..