feeling stupid..

work was hard today ..on a professional/emotional level..cas today was the first real 'issue' with me that was brought up today..and it was about me and my shift partner..and so it was hard to sit and listen and be tod that there will be 'more talks' about how we are supervising the kids i thought i had been doing a pretty good job with it..cas it always feels like im watching them and constantly counting and checking on who is where..and it was hard not to be ddefensive with it..and im just worried about what will happen...the whole worst case scenario type thinking..and its hard not knowing what will happen..i mean i dont think ill be fired but im scared that i will be ..and i know its just anxiety that is getting the best of me..but that doesnt help the anxiety at all ..and i know im stuck waiting it out for now..but just feeling overwhelmed iwth it..tried to be an adult but it bothered me alot and i just wanted to be by myself and cry..but that couldnt happen..and so i had to apoligize for some things from the weekend..my shift partner did also..and it was hard..i feel stupid..and the team meeting today made me feel even stupider..because the girls are becoming more and more sneaky..and i just feel like im falling into some of the manipulations without meaning to..cas i want the acceptance and love just as much as they do and so they are doing things and im not picking up on them..and then having it spelled out for me makes me question EVERYTHING and its a lot..i dont mean to fall for it..but ive never had it all pointed out to me either..and its hard..because im really not picking up on it all the time..and it feels like i need to just step back and relook at all the girls in the group..it makes me nervous..and my supervisor and the director both gave me the same info on grooming behaviors and i read a little bit of it..and my biggest question is 'what exactly is the difference between emotional grooming and emotional abuse?' it looks/sounds the same to me but there is a difference somewhere...the same way i read the descriptions and its like i know this..ive been told this..and it was for the same result..cas im getting that grooming either kid to kid or adult to kid ends up for the same result..someone has to get the power and control and someone else ends up being hurt and trying to please and believing all these lies and its just hard and so so confusing...i know im learning and im still new but im bothered that i dont know some of this stuff..


-addition--

guess writing out the feelings got it out and ive calmed down..still feeling really sad and off in some way..but at the same time i know that its not the end of the world..it just feels like it i can get through this..i can be an adult and professional..i said my apoligizes and now all i can do is wait it out and see what else will happen..but in the mean time ill just have to work harder to prove that im doing my job..that i can deal with the girls..that i can be there and do what i have to do..easier said than done but im not going to give up..i like my job..and its just interesting you know how its the staff thats responsible for the gilrs being all off the wall ..thats the part of all of it i dont like..because when my supervisor talks about it, its like its something that me and my shift partner are doing wrong..something that we arent paying attention to, and the feeling i get is that we are not good enough and the other sets of staff are perfect and all the 'bad' stuff happens when im working..and i dont think thats fair either..yeah most of the other staff have been there for a lot longer than me or my shift partner has..but its not fair either to dump all the bad things on us when its not true...the other shifts have trouble too..and its not like every day something is going on..but those days dont count you know..its just the days when stressful stuff happens that we are noticed and things are commented on...but when things are fine and the girls are just there usual selfs then its not important for them to say good job or something...im not looking for praise or anything you know..i can do my job either way..but some positive acknowledgement would be nice...my shift partner was talking about that particular thing the other night and i didnt think i agreed with her..but maybe i do..but no ..i wont give up..that would be silly...its one strike ..thats all...it means ill be watched a bit more closely..it means ill have to work a bit harder at proving i belong there..that i can do the job..thats all..i can and will move on..


im calm...im collected... i can do this

im really am calmer..just still sad though..the bravado is gone for now i guess..but all the current work issues aside im tired...meds are startign to work i think .. bed ..and sleep and nothingness soon..been messing with itunes tonight and cleaning up my ipod..its full and needs to have some of the music taken off..really truly annoyed with mommy but thats not going way anytime soon...but no more lending..stupid thing to do..but just focusing on getting through the week. well getting through tomorrow..and then i can relax for 3 whole days..!