yesterdays rambles

all i want to do right now and lay down and just zone out..managed alright i guess until t..and the sessions are turning into me just confusing t and getting her sidetracked away from things i dont want to talk about..well i try but she always manages to get me back on track..and today we talked more about one of the incidents i do remember slightly..and it was just i couldnt focus once we got started..and i listened to her but kinda stopped talking to her..and then im not sure..was really anxious when i left i know that..wanted to s'i horribly... stop at the store and just give in and buy razors but didnt..went and got a late lunch instead and read a book until calmed down enough to go home..the anxiety was really bad for a while..she said we would talk about it more..how can i talk about something that only fills me with shame and guilt? i feel nothing else about any of it..i dont hurt for what happened..i barely remember it..but talking about it..trying to talk about it..only makes me ashamed..maybe cas the blame is still so much in place that i cant feel anything else right now..i dont know..i just want to forget it..i can forget everything else but this ..this i remember and i dont want too..i say i cant talk about it..i do everything to get her away from the subject..but like she says i keep going..i keep trying..i say no and refuse to answer her while at the same time handing over my journal for her to read which is always full of just about everything and then some..how can i say no..think no..want to get up and leave her office and still sit there and freely give her my journal..so that she will know whats im thinking..what im doing? it means i want to get better right ? feel better ? then i feel bad also for the questions that i truly have no answers for :(...things i should know and dont...she talked a little about how i had written about how by the time this particular thing happened i had already learned to be quiet and do what i was told..but i dont know how i why i learned it..i dont know what happened before that to make it just an important thing to know..i dont know why it is just an important thing to know... it was just there..its always been there..but something had to put it there right?? those thoughts and beliefs cant just drop out of the sky on me can they?

im just full of questions and half thoughts tonight ..and im not sure i can get all of them out..

my other shock for the day was going to the pdoc office...they all know me ..like the ones i see the most i guess or the ones ive talked to in the past..(outside of the secretary person) the therapist there and the nurses..all know my name and remember me?! i havent been there for over a month and i just walk in today and they all say hi and ask how im doing..i guess i just get so used to thinking that im not important..not noticed or remembered...and then something like today happens when i am remembered and it shocks me ...ive done nothing to be remembered for but i am.. i dont know why...but i did get more samples..thankfully..and the nurse signed me up for an assistance program..and so ill get 3 months worth of meds delivered to their office and i can just go and pick them up..which is a huge worry off of me! i was stressing so much about how to cover a 100 dollar prescription when i was struggling with everything else right now...so im hoping that before i move they will reorder them for me..and so that will keep me ok with meds until like dec lol..

but now im just going to go and lay down for a bit..and hope the pressure in my head will ease a bit