somethings are good..somethings are badddd

today has been draining and im not even sure why..thinking too much i think..feeling way too guilty about things ..just things in general i think..i dont know..im so confused and quiet..i want to be alone..i want to be acknowledged but i cant have both..and so i just go for being alone..because talked about that a little with t..how i isolate myself when im not feeling ok..and it true..i do..i know i do..but its so hard seeking support or hugs when there is no one that i trust like that near me :box ..looked for my bear last night and didnt even have the energy to get up and find it..ill pull it out tonight though and stick her back on my bed

but anyway..went to work..it was ok i guess..i was a bit more zoned out than usual..and my side of the conversation with my cl did not really consist of many actual words..and i almost feel bad for not paying attention and for thinking that i just wanted my client to leave me alone... but we went and saw harry potter and overall the feeling when leaving was disappointment..im not sure yet about the movie..it didnt keep my attention very well..maybe cas i was waiting so much to see what was going to happen at the end..and how it all played out..need to go and see it again..it was enjoyable you know..but not as good as what i was expecting..

and then i came home from work late and got rushed to go to this meeting thing about some new way to make money..and as much as i hated being forced into going..it does seem like a good idea to sign up for it..and ill be hooked into my brothers info and so as he makes money, i make money lol..and every little bit helps you know..but its interesting enough to look into a bit more seriously..but then mommy and my aunt were there too and they just made it so much more confusing than it needed to be..and they kept asking if i was going to refer ppl and get ppl signed up..and its like really ?! umm how many ppl do i know and talk to during the day? the week? the year?? who do they think im gonna get to sign up..and its like suddenly there is pressure where there doesnt need to be pressure..

and now im just tired..all that sleep last night and im still so very tired