not really feeling ok

i guess i really should have seen this coming..but i didn't..all week i've been stuck thinking about other stuff..past stuff..not obsessively but just thinking about a lot of different things a lot..and i cant seem to get any of it out..and so i keep thinking about it..writing isn't helping so much because i think i keep not writing what i really want to write..but i still cant put any of it into words and it frustrates and upsets me..

today ..this weekend..just hasnt been good at all..im tired of being in the house..im tired of being asked what im doing with my money..im tired of being questioned and picked on for no reason...why did mommy need to bring up any of my money issues with nia today?? they werent her concern..and they most certainly werent nias but still she brought it up to show how selfish i am..she tells me how much ive messed up..how much i havent done..how wrong i am..over and over and over..and walking away doesnt take awawy any of the words she says..i still konw..i still hear and it all hurts just the same..and its just being in the house and not really allowed to go anywhere that makes it worse..i messed up again..said to much..and now im paying for it..i said i didnt have money and in mommys eyes i have been to the store to many times in the past couple days..she wants to know what i bought and then gets pissed off when i dont tell her..if i even leave the house now i have to tell her where im going..im not allowed to spend the night with nia anymore because mommy doesnt want to be in the house alone..i dont do anything and what i do have is being slowly taken away from me now...i want to cry in frustration..anger..something..i want to scream all of my anger and hurt at someone and maybe that is why the urge to cut is so very strong right now..i want to hurt..i want to make my head stop..i want everything to stop and i want to be left alone..i mentioned that i wasnt allowed to go anywhere to yvonne and she asked me if i was grounded..something that i have never outwardly acknowledged at all..i was never grounded..i was hit and yelled at and told i couldnt do something but it was never grounding..but thinking about this weekend and the fact that i have to sneak out while mommy isnt home and i guess it is being grounded in a way..how can i be grounded?? im supposed to be an adult..i cant be grounded! and at the same time i know that ive pushed my limit for the weekend ..and im back in being good mode..i cant deal with another argument about my lack whatever it is that im lacking in this time..yvonne even offered to come and pick me up today..but i couldnt go with her..i have to go to work tomorrow..i cant just disappear..i may not come back at all..

all of it makes me tired ..and im just so sad right now..depressingly sad and slightly suicidal..really want to cut but that has changed since i know i wont do it..now i just want to go away..to be left alone ..to not be seen..i have such a headache ..sitting up makes it worse..laying down makes it hurt more..and i end up just wasting time staring into space because theres nothing i want to do..i just want to lay down and forget i even exist until its tomorrow and i have to go back to existing again..for now..i dont have to exist anywhere and im sure it wont be noticed..its been a while since ive left this bad and it makes me upset because i thought i was better..i thought it wouldnt happen again and that i wouldnt be suicidal anymore and i wouldnt have to deal with anymore thinking that i wanted to just go away..and its not true...i thought taking the meds would make it all go away and maybe i was just fooling myself into thinking that it would and that everything would be ok and happy and nothing would be wrong and its not like that..and i dont like it at all..because i start to forget how bad it can be and then a weekend like this happens and i have to remember again and i dont want too..all of my energy has to be focused on making sure i stay still..making sure i dont go and take all the meds that i have..or go out and buy razors that i want a lot right now..that i dont just get in my car and drive until im lost or something..because then it means i dont have to be at home..i cant even get out of the house if i wanted because of the alarm that is on the downstairs door..the box thing is in the kitchen and so mommy knows every single time the door is opened..and if i go out she will come after me and what to know what im doing..and its just not even worth it to bother trying. it really isnt..and before i became so annoyingly depressed i was thinking about how much i hated that i was always so focused on making everyone else happy and how i didnt want to do that anymore..because it was just too much work..too much energy..and now im back to having to be good and quiet and just kinda go away in some way...have to stay slightly unfocused..slightly out of it to even make it through the rest of the day..and then tomorrow ill wake up and not be able to even remember what i did if anything..i dont like this at all