now i know why

now i remember what it is i was reading today that made me worried and well a bit guilty about some of my behaviors...as i was not paying attention to the talk we were having in training and reading the staff manual that was so nifty and we got today...and its pretty much a bunch of boring info that i dont really care about..im sorry but i really dont htink the mountains would get a hurricane..but maybe..but seriously thats not the top worry for me right now..but i skimmed and looked through most of it ..and of course i nknew we wouldnt take aggresive kids into the program because it wouldnt work out and we arent a behavioral program..but i didnt really kinda clue into that we would get kids with active chronic mental illness..and it didnt make me feel better to have it named like that either..but basically it means we wont get kids with 'active' eating disorders, or cutters or fire starters..well gee good thing im still afraid of fire! its like im a walking contradiction against everything it is im supposed to be teaching! i should be ashamed of myself..and right now im feeling more guilty than ashamed and it sucks..it was really shocking to just kinda read through and run into that..yea we talk about suicide threats with the summer kids but its not really an issue with the semester kids from what i saw but it could happen..and if it did what then..i had one of the 'chronically' suicidal kids over the summer and she was fine with me..her best session was when she was with me and another counselor..she cut without leaving any damage..and she was really open i guess about it with us counselors..her parents told us to just listen and keep an eye on it but not really push the issue because she said it all the time..well its kinda hard to have a kid on the bus going somewhere and out of no where youknow just saying she is feeling suicidal..i dont know..it just hurts..i know what im doing im not that stupid..but im still a bit out of it on stopping..how can i expected to do anything when im doing everything im not supposed to be doing..ugh