one of those days

today started off ok i guess and i spent most of the morning hanging out at home with yvonne and then had to go to work and thats kinda when things just went downhill a bit..im done pretending that i want anything to do with my wonderful coworker and i want nothing to do with her..its like ok i did what i had to do and now its done and i dont have to worry about her anymore...i dont enjoy being treated like im five and being given demands to do things...im old enough to know what i have to do and i dont need to be told ...if i dont want to do it then to bad i guess ..i dont do well being given orders ..i dont work like that at all ..but anyway i have enjoyed watching her get stressed over nothing and its like of everytihng ive done and as much as i gave her what she needed she freaks out about cleaning the cabin? give me a break and today i just didnt care and did everything but help her as much as i could have..but whatever..no big deal..when they all leave i will still be here ..i will still have to reclean everything in a couple weeks..so i was a bad example and drank a little bit and slacked off..before leaving at 5..it was so hot..and for some reason it has been really really really killer hot lately and its so miserable..talked to jim about whether he would be coming back to the semesters and by right i wouldnt come back..i really wouldnt because they are treating him like crap and he wont take it..thats a good thing..i hope he stays but i can also understand it if he doesnt..im not even sure i want to stay anymore because i dont know the standards are just kinda off...but i dont know..but we had one of the closing ceremonies today and it was sad thinking of everyone leaving and true ppl are slowly making there way away from camp and it is sad having to say good bye to everyone..i want the quietness but still it will be different..but it was after that and i was just kinda hanging around not really doing anything just listening to some of the others joke around and whatnot and i just didnt really want anything to do with it ..i listened and laughed but its like it would have gone on whether i was there or not..i dont really matter in some situations and i dont know why it just kinda thought about it today..but its depressing i guess..knowing i can disappear and that it wouldnt really matter..i thought i wouldnt care about it..but that has changed a little bit too..it matters but not a lot..just a little bit..i just really wanted to go away and be by myself .. but i didnt get that either because yvonne came home with me and i was just getting more and more annoyed and more and more upset about everything..i was seriosuly thinking about cutting on the way home but for no other reason except to do it because i wanted too..it has been a while since ive attacked myself like that ..i was yelling about everything in my head..i wanted to hurt and i knew how to do it..i still know how to do it..it never went away it was just in hiding for a while i guess..maybe i was just to busy the past couple months to really sit down and think about anything..and now im starting to have more free time and its like great what am i supposed to do now? back to the same old thoughts and feeligns and its draining trying to sort all of it out..and now there is so much more to add on to it..i have to worry about mommy and nia and henry even..i have to worry about work and my apartment and dusti..i ahve to worry about going home and making sure im doing everything im supposed to do and its not fair..why is it that i have to have so much stuff in my head and it stays there ..all i do is think and think and think and worry and worry and worry..its like i never get a break..worrying about nia is making a lot of other stuff come up i guess..suddenly all my reasons for not liking hospitals and doctors are coming up..and i cant help but think of the iront of all of it..i remember when i first found out about nias heart condition and i was worried then and they fixed it enough with meds..but now there has to be surgery and i cant do anything but wait and wait until someone decides to tell me what is going on..i wonder how long mommy has known about the surgery and didnt tell me..i wonder how long nia has known and didnt tell me..its not fair that im left out of things until the end and then im expected to drop everything and go home and suddenly be available because im told to..no i dont think thats really fair at all..and who in the heck and im supposed to be talking about any of this too? i realize how easy it is to feel incredibly alone...i dont want to go and talk to aaron because it will be all over camp and i dont want that to happen..but at the same time its like i know if i talked to him he would listen at least..if nothing else he would listen and hear me..but that wont work for everything..i still remember what i was told the last few times i went to see arran .. i thought i was doing a good job keeping away from crisis's but this summer has been really hard and things just keep adding up..its one thing or another and im not sure what else can happen to make it get any worse..ive already done one funeral and i dont want to have to go to another