nervous

i am slowly slipping back to where i was before with eating vs not eating..suddenly throwing up isnt a bad thing anymore ..suddenly i dont have to eat dinner and going to bed hungry makes me feel accomplished..im not even sorry its happening..im ready to give up meat again just because i know if i do it will stop me from just picking up more junk food on the way home..all the time i think of food and what i shouldnt be eating..i think of how much i will have to give up to reach my goal and i wonder if im strong enough to let it go that far?! i wonder if ill be strong enough to stop when it gets out of hand..and then i wonder who will stop in and stop me when i cant handle it anymore..how can i want to be saved from something i willing let get out of hand for no other reason than to lose weight again..i dont get it at all..:cute this is what i think about all day long..i watch the girls that i work with..who eat all day long and stay so skinny..and then i look at me and realize i eat less than they do but i also eat more junk food and unhealthy food..i didnt learn how to eat correctly as a kid and so now i refuse to eat what im not used to but what i am used to isnt really all that healthy..is it possible to live on the plainest salad possible? i dont like vegetables..i only like certain fruits but i love bread..i snack all day long and then dont eat meals like i should..i wonder about giving up soda completely..is it really bad for you? diet soda i mean..i should drink more water and stop walking around dehydrated and ready to pass out all the time..i have so many thoughts in my head about stuff i already know and i cant stpo them...i was thinking about my teeth today and that i havent been to the dentist in god knows how long and i wonder what all the throwing up has done to them? i wondered if i should make an effort to go and have them looked at but i dont want too..im afraid too..i know everything that will happen..what can i say ed's are an obession of sorts..i read about them..i watch movies about them..i go to websites about them..but i dont need ways to learn to do it..i learned that on my own..i just like finding out other ppls thoughts on the things i think and obsess about..i like knowing im not the other person so obsessed about the small stuff..and even hearing and seeing the horror stories does nothing to make me want to stop..how many ppl have i met online who i lost touch with and knew they had an ed and wonder if they are dead now? how many times have i been told to stop what im doing because it will kill me..and still i dont..i think it would be to far saying i dont care..but i dont know how else to explain it..im ready to watch myself die for reasons i cant explain..but im not ready to be helped completely because i dont want to have to talk about all the weird things that go on in my head..i dont want to voice my concerns to a doctor and be forced to go on meds..if i wanted meds i would take the good stuff from my brother but i wont..i try not to anyway..no need to get addicted to morphine..but good grief he had his wisdom teeth pulled and they gave him some good pain meds and i saw them and wanted them and even went so far as to take the bottle out and keep it for a while..but then i put them back..i dont want to lose my job..i dont want to have something else to battle when all of this is making it so hard as it is..and to make it worse..i cut on monday..i ruined almost a month of not doing it because i was so stressed about apartment stuff and money ..i was so scared and worried and crying and all i wanted was to cut and hurt and make it all go away for a while..i look at my arm and wonder why i did it again..i think of how much more i manage to ruin my body for no other purpose than because i can:( you know i actually missed cutting..i wanted to do it because i was bored a couple weeks ago..i wanted to do it because i was forgetting what it felt like to forget completely.i was forgetting what it was to be so focused nothing else could get through..and i wanted it..i really wanted it...and now its mine again..

and now it seems ive gotten to the bottom of whats been bothering me...how pathetic is that..because for the past few hours i couldnt figure out what it was that was making me feel so nervous..maybe i should be more worried about why it started now..