ramble ..thoughts

i dont know why but once again tonight i am left thinking about why it is things turn out the way they do..what is it that made me so different from everyone else..what is it that makes anyone different from the person next to them...i guess its just a little bit weird i guess..i wonder how the kids i watch will grow up when i have seen them and watched them sense they were babies..and i hear the youngest one say he hates himself and i just want to shake him and tell him he is fine just as he is ... i just tell him not to say that and that he is fine...i dont know if he listens to me or not but its really hard hearing him say that..i wonder where it is he heard it from in the first place...i hate that he has picked that up and i wish i was around more often and not just a few days every few months to hang out with him and give him attention...but maybe as he gets older he will realize that he is important and loved...i hope so at least..i wonder why it is i had to grow up so sheltered and protected..and i say protected because that is what it seemed like..we lived in this own little bubble and what mommy said was law and if a rule was broken then you paid the price..sometimes it was an awfully high price for something small that was done wrong.. in a world where there are so many things going on i couldnt have told you about anything growing up..yes i went to school and after that if i wasnt with mommy i was stuck at the dance studio..and that was life for as long as i can remember..i didnt ask to do anything and so it was assumed i was free to do everything..being sick from school wasnt something that you really wanted to do either..i went to school sick just to get out of staying at home because after a couple hours..then mommy would start calling and giving a list of 50 things to do before she got home and i feel bad for you if you werent done by then..i can clean that house in two hours with my eyes closed ive done it so many times..and so many times i wanted until the last minute and rushed and still got in trouble..and i knew better ..i always knew better but thats not the point..i think about all of the shows i like to watch like strong medicine and suv and movies like hotel rwanda and sarafina and blood diamond and freedom writers...i wonder why it is im in all of this and still know nothing aobut it...its like ive missed all the big things that have happened in the world and no one clued me in to it..i feel bad for not realizing some things and then just ignoring others..i watch all this stuff on tv or read about it in new papers and news websites and its like what in the world is going on..i wont get into politics or anything but i just really think the war was the stupidest idea anyone could have ever come up with..why destroy another country for the sake of finding the one person they cant even find! ugh its so stupid and pointless and it doesnt phase me at all to see another article about a suicide bomber..thats all i read about..and no one has clued into it yet..maybe its just me struggling to figure out why the world has to be like it is...and then after everthing i wonder why it is im so tolerant and accepting..not accepting in a gullible sort of way but just in general...for the longest time i just couldnt figure out why it was i was better at accepting anyone else..accepting anything else..and its like well think about it for a minute..i already know what its like to be hated and pushed around..ive been called some really bad things and im guessing having someone tell you they wish you would die is prolly at the top of the list of things to never ever tell a kid..but i guess that was to bad for me..its hard to explain to someone what it feels like to be dead but still be alive at the same time..like there is nothing else that can hurt you because you found the bottom, there is just not a way back out...i guess i was around middle school when i started to really wonder what it would be like to die..stay up have the night making plans to run away and then never make it out the window because im more afraid of getting caught and being in trouble than running away in the first place..so why would i waste my time picking on or judging someone else..that would make me even more stupider and shallow..and i depise being called shallow ...thats prolly why i was fine going and hanging out in the gay bars and with the drag queens and they didnt mind me..i liked them because they made me laugh and put up with me going in and out for like 5 days and then they ask me to come back again..after everything i wonder why it is i didnt end up doing drugs or really running away..how is it that i ended up in college and then against everything managed to graduate..ill have to go back one day and thank my teachers in the end for everything even if i didnt agree with it..i dont think ill ever be able to forget those meetings..but for what its worth ill never do drugs because of watching requiem for a dream...that movie still creeps me out and ive only seen it once and it took half the movie for me to even figure out what was going on..and then i think i just spent the rest of the movie being shocked out of my mind about what was going on..given i had no plan of doing drugs or anything but that movie just kinda made it impossible..and now ive seen gia too and that movie didnt leave anything out when it came to drugs..i guess its really easy to get hooked though..hmm ya i know its easy to get hooked on something ..doesnt really matter what it is at all..being hooked is being hooked and its just as much work to stop..

hmm ive run out of my random stream of thoughts for the night..guess i should finish cleaning and then head to bed for work tomorrow...