finally its over

camp is over!!! finally its all over and done with and i can say im really happy to be done with the crowdedness..it was starting to really get to me ..all the noise and tons of kids all running around and realizing that some ppl just dont work well with kids with special needs for whatever reason but its just as annoying having a counselor yelling at a kid than just having the kid freak out over something..but anyway its over and done with and i can say its been fun but also really hard and stressful too..i wouldnt want the office job to save my life or any of the program manager jobs either..all it is is never ending phone calls and talking to worried parents..but i have to say i did ok on the phone at the end talking to parents and being nice and respectful but still talking about how there kids were doing..out of all of it i would say i enjoyed almost all of the kids i worked with and even some i didnt get the chance to work with..its really funny having kids in different groups just saying hi and giving hugs everytime they see you and thats all..but kinda cool too..it was really cool seeing some of the returners and meeting all the new kids..i really hope some of them come back..but now that its over im back to wondering what it is im going tobe doing with myself for the next year..i have to decide if i want to cvome back again next summer and deal with all of this again..i have to decide where im going to move to and then if im going back to grad school yet...i have to decide if bec will live with me when she gets the job..and the more i think about it the more i really want her to come and even if she doesnt get the job just to have someone living with me again for a little while so i can see if i can deal with it again and not freak out so much...not to mention it will help with savings and stuff ..but of course some ppl in the office just dont stay on top of thingsand so she keeps asking me if she has a job and i ahve nothing new to tell her..its so annoying because i know we need the help and they are wasting time not hiring ppl..it sucks...but as for the job its like ok im here until dec if nothing else..and that much im sure about and after that i dont know..i want to ask for a raise but i dont know how to do it..i know i will do it but i just dont know how its done...and if the semester is run the same way it was done this past semester then im not sure ill be staying past december..but that brings up the question of whether ill be coming back for the summer..and i like the summer..i really do but im not sure ill be able to come back if im not actually working within the program already..its hard thinking about things that far in advance and it just really does make me really nervous and anixous and i want to curse aaran for not letting me get on anxiety meds..specially since she knew i was getting so worked up over everything that i was starting to have panic attacks..but then i left her before she got me more into that..but i guess i also know i wouldnt have agreed to it anyway since im completely against the whole meds thing..i can be crazy or not without the help of meds thanks..but anyway..but to get back on topic...hmm so nope i dont know what im going to do and it makes me wonder because i dont know and i should...its always been like that..or maybe not..maybe ive just always had someone else there to tell me what to do and that made it easier to pretend i had a clue as to what was going on and i guess its not really fair to let it stay like that ..but ive learned that its not really good to do that either because right now i have no one to answer to ..no one that is within reach of me anyway and i let myself get away with a lot of things i shouldnt...but its different learning where the balance is..because once again i was pulled out of the circle of ppl who had a say in what i did and didnt do..and held me responsible for everything i did..no didnt like it but i put up with it..and now its not there and its like sending a kid into the candy store and instructions to get ehatever it is they want too..there are no boundaries anymore..nothing else matters and i can do what i like..given yea i have limits but it takes a lot to get to them...so its just hard for now until i decide if ill go back...if bec comes then there will have to be more boundaries but ill wait before going anymore into that but all of that rambling aside because ive done it a million times before..today has been actually pretty good..i was annoyed earlier with some of the ppl i worked with because it was like ok kids are gone and i want to leave but i cant because the cabins were still a mess and we werent allowed to leave before cleaning and it was like i was the only one doing t hings..i was annoyed at how many ppl ended up as couples and that now they are all breaking off again and its gross and a waste of time and way to hot to even bother doing aything there..besides what ever happened to having morals at work? dont mix work and play or something along those lines..yes i have my fun but never at work..that is wrong..why would anyone be stupid enough to drink and smoke pot at work? with kids there..and why arent they all fired on the spot when it is discoovered? maybe some of it has to do with giving second chances and that everyone does deserve a second chance but sometimes its like they go to far because they know they can get away iwth it and its not fair at all..why upset the ppl who work there butts off to give second chances to the ppl who dont deserve it..its not fair at all..but who am i to complain? im not the ones making the decision..its not my choice at all..but after a while i didnt care anymore and i did what i had to do and got my stuff moved out of the cabin and packed up again..that majorly sucked by itsself..i hate packing and moving my stuff..but im not sure im going to be moving my stuff into the top cabin because it would be easier to leave it in my car and just come home at night..im tired of being at camp so muhc..i want to spend some time at my apartment and actually get some use out of it..hmm ive finally decided that i dont need to go home until the 17th..i found out i have paid time off and i can not go to work for a couple weeks and still make a little bit of money..not a lot but enough to keep getting by and if i go home i can babysit maybe and make some extra gas money to get back in time for training...ive decided im not going to the wedding because i dont want to..but then i also found out some really bad news too and im worried about nia..shes having heart surgery next week :(..i dont like hospitals or doctors or anything like that..prolly why i havent been in forever but anyway..im worried..so maybe going home for a few days is for the best just to be there incase anything happens..and riley and harris will be completely thrilled about my new webkinz...yvonne bought me a new one today .. a bunny that has been named jessica :) majorly cool ..and now im just hanging out at home trying to decide when to give up and just go to bed be cause im tired ...