life

the surgery went ok i guess..she is still in the hospital and will be for another few hours for monitoring and stuff ..but im still worried alot and wondering what will happen if the surgery didnt really work since they didnt even find what they were looking for..but whatever..doctors are doctors for a reason even if i do think they are stupid and a waste of money..hmm prolly why i havent been to a doctor in forever..but im healthy enough i suppose..i havent dropped dead of some random issue yet so i cant complain..

home is home and im counting the days until i can leave..there is nothing helping me there and its kinda like being trapped in a really small bubble that only has about 5 ppl in it..and everyone is seperated by these huge walls..soundproof of course...might as well be on an deserted island and leave it at that..i did the right thing and came home but i cant help wondering why it is everyone always asks why it is i come..i mean real reason why and not just i have to like i enjoy saying for lack of anyting else..but i dont know..and when i did i dont think it even made sense at all..but i still dont know..im being the good one and doing what im expected to do..and there are a lot of expectations in my small little meaningless world..everyone wants something different and im running out of ways to keep everyone happy it would seem..i was pretty much told to go on a diet today and its like you have no idea what it is you want me to do..there is no half way and its either go crazy or say whatever i dont care..with enough time and enough pushing i suppose she will win out as she usually does and prolly hold something ive done wrong over my head to make sure i remember what it is im supposed to be doing..smile and then choke to death i suppose on the bunch of lies i get to hear about how this is for my own good and im only being told you know im worthless now before someone else can tell me..too bad ive heard it all before and too bad it still has the same effect..the problem of course coming in when suddenly my thinking works its way back around to well ok she hates me but ive spent years perfecting just how much i can hate myself..and i can turn it off and on at will it seems..its like i took everything i heard and made it grow and multiply until it was want i wanted and needed it to be..i can hurt myself fine but i dont let anyone else know if they have hurt me...fun the things i picked up as a kid..oh well for me...like i said as long as i keep m stupid mouth shut things are peachy..

laura is here visiting and that was fun last night..talking to her and i had spent the day playing with parker and riley and harris..kids are easy and we drove over to the beach house singing as loud as possible to big girls don cry..they are waiting for me now to show up at the beach house but i will be late..i have no intention of being there right now and i think it was a lot more important for me to get online for a few minutes or an hour before i drove myself up a wall being upset..now its just more of a dead feelings..but anyway..we stayed up last night playing tennis games and watching americas got talent and generally being silly..but it was still fun..