im back!!

i have internet again..i can get back to writing again...majorly cool.  yep majorly cool.

july 27 1986

i dont understand..i dont understand why some die and some are forced to live.  i dont understand how people are chosen to have to go away for forever..i dont understand why it is that i have wanted death..waited for death..prayted to die and still i am alive..what am i doing that is wrong?  why cant i get to go away and not have to deal with any of this anymore...

today..today is july 27 2011...it was july 27 1986 that my sister died..her name was nicole..sometimes when my name is forgotten by people they call me her name.  i wonder how people know it.  people who do not know anythin gabout my history call me by my sisters name.  i dont remember her at all, i know a few stories..and used to have a picture of her..but mommy foound out i had taken them and made me give them back...i got in trouble alot for stealing stuff i guess. mommy told me once that i would never be able to have anything dealing with my sister until she died..how am i supposed to remember her?  i dont know what she looked like..i dont know what she sounded like..i dont know even where she is buried..i have never been to her grave..she has been forgotten..she is not talked about at all, and the fear of talkin about her keeps me silent..and wondering. it is hard sometimes knowing that i have other biological parents. i wonder sometimes if they know that she died..if they knew anything about her while she lived..i couldn't protect her, i couldnt save her..and the guilt associated with that makes me want to die too.  i should have done more..i should have done something..but she is gone now..and i blame myself for that..

i couldnt sleep last night...i woke up often and just had to think about everything..there is a lot going on..and fear is beginning to control me..im afraid of everything right now..and i know the fears are irrational..i know i am making myself feel so crazy for nothing..but i am scared..im tired..bad dreams plague me.  i take my medicine like im supposed to..i live and work and breathe like im supposed to.  but still i wonder if i am dying..if i am dead already. im still waiting for it..and i cant explain to anyone why i am. im waiting to die, im waiting for it all to end..i have relief from the pain. but i cant explain where the pain comes from..i cant put it into words so that someone else can understand how much everything hurts right now. im tired truly tired.

im forced to live a life that i am not truly a part of.  im forced to play this never ending game of whether or not i will continue to live or just give up and die. i do give up though, more often than i talk about i give up..because i want to die. i confuse myself sometimes and then i am afraid of myself.but not for myself..im afraid ill be in trouble. im afraid it wont work. im afraid i will never have the courage to actually go through with it..

i was thinking about heaven and hell last night.  im not the most religious person but i like to think that my sister is in heaven.  that she did not live life long enough to be corrupted..to be hurt..she made it to heaven..but me..ill never have the chance to see her again. ive convinced myself that im going to hell for my actions..my thoughts..my life..i wont be allowed to go to heaven .. i will never see her even after i die.. i guess that is really depressing to think about .. its really depressing to believe that..to know that this is all decided already and cant be changed..its like well if ive already got a one way ticket to hell then i may as well keep screwing things up for myself..

my thoughts are not in a very good place right now.
thats all.

....

today became really depressing ..really really fast ... way to much in my head right now

not doing so great...

trigger city this week and next...to much going on in my head and in my life and with work and my car is breaking and im just worn out and tired and flat out stressed...its not fair and i just want to sit down somewhere and cry because i cant deal..fighting the urge to cut..fighting the urge to binge...but i want razors and i want to eat and not have think and just ugh..i dont know...but yeah ... just struggling

worn out

there has been so muhc going on this week.  im tired and achy and getting very very cranky and tired...im waiting around for my check right now and well i just want to go home and lay donw..this week has been a real real mess..im tired and worn out from dealing with things..i really am..and im feeling more depressed and quiet this week..maybe its just a build up of everything thats going on and what im having todeal with...its getting to me and without a pdoc i dont know how to get any real release from it..i feel like im being pulled in a lot of different directions right now with all of my clients and with my own stuff and im getting to the point of not wanting to deal with anyone or anything..and i still have to work tomorrow..given it will be an easy day tomorrow but still i have to work..im expected to go and show up and manage...i have to listen and advice and work out others concerns and issues and push mine into the back ground...

this week ive had some big car issues..and then some emergencies with my clients which involved spending over 8 hours in the hospital emergency room yesterday..and then i had to go to court today with a client and that was beyond stressful and scary for me..i dont like court..i dont like the possibiltiy of having to testify ..i panic and forget and just turn even more silent than i already am...the case was continued and so now i guess i have time to prepare to testify next time..but just the thought of thinking about it makes me feel so so scared and out of sorts...

i really just want to go home...and im super dehydrated..and last night i was getting really really bad leg cramps..and ended up pacing around the living room for a little while early this morning trying to get myself to relax and i drank some water ..and just in general had a hard time last night...and then forcing myself to get up this morning was its own hassle...

i dont think im in a very good space right now...head is a bit all over the place...and just feeling out of it a bit...

its officially official

i hate sunday evening and monday mornings! they are the bane of my existence big time! ugh...notes kill me !!!

lately....

last week was majorly stressful work wise...i took off monday..but i felt pulled in a million different directions for the rest of the week...all i could do was come home and crash in the evenings....i overslept twice last week...and it was pretty suckish..cas i hate oversleeping and i hate feeling rushed..but yeah it was pretty bad on that level...saw linda last week...dont remember if i wrote about that...but we talked about my not giving up and my need to find a new psychiatrist :(  hate that...really really hate that..so yeah.gotta figure out all of that..and everything i guess..did talk to linda once i got past the huge major overwhelming feelings of being just out of it and unsure of what to say..yuck yuck double yuck...

ive been having some major brain laspes at work..as in i talked to one client about my enjoyment of dinosaur chicken nuggets..i was really immature one night with one of my other clients siblings and coughed in his cereal cas he was being a jerk..and then we had a disagreement about how to make grilled cheese sandwiches..and yeah..had one clients relative tell me i had a baby voice... can we say awkward ???!!! my head just hasnt been together this week at all..and my normal levels of control and maintaining myself and my thoughts and my uh 'quirks' seriously got called into question this week..and again it was all after the fact you know i would clue in to what i was doing..but darn it..its been a messy messy week..

realized a bit late of course that its july and that means my normal craziness goes up a few notches until the middle of aug i guess...sister issues extreme ...happens each year..the guilt..the hopelessness..did i mention the guilt? i wish it was easier ..but i dont know how to accept it or make it easier or deal with her death..i dont know..its all just majorly hard..and tiring and frustrating...and sad...majorly majorly sad...

just some quotes i dont want to lose

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. - Anonymous

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. - by William James

If you travel in a path that makes you happy and you are misunderstood by many. ...I hope you consider the opinion that carries the most weight -- yours. ~ by Dodinsky

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children…to leave the world a better place…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

hmmm

last night was pretty darn bad..urge wise..i wanted to cut..to hurt..crap i just wanted to not exisit last night...made it through the urges..somehow..it sucked and was hard..and made a hugely triggering collage...but yeah..made it through i guess.. finally got to see linda today..and i was so overwhelmed i didnt know where to begin with it all...talked about the pdoc stuff..talked about the depression...just talked about a lot of stuff..i had to stop her from talking about sex and stuff cas that was just hugely embarrasing..but we talked abut other stuff going on and everything..she told me not to give up...i told her i wanted to give up..she got me to agree to start looking into finding a pdoc..and that i had to help myself for her to help me.. :( depressing i know..but with her i could feel and show my depression..and not worry..i didnt have to pretend to be alright.cas i was gosh darn depressed...but well i guess im feeling a bit more settled in some ways..still alot on my mind..and lots to process and struggle through..but one day at a time right ?!?!

scary life changing stuff....saved a life....

yesterday was scary...really really scary :( and there was lots of anxiety and hospitals and ambulances and everything.. so i guess i need to start at the beginning a bit...yesterday i was at work...i work with two families who live in the same apartment building...my family downstairs i had already seen for the day and had moved back upstairs to have a chat with my client before heading home....well i was upstairs with my client for about an hour or so and was just talking and stuff..and we hear the kids running up the hall stairs...my client mentioned them and why they had to run and i made some response about how they are just being kids..well they come bursting into the apartment and both talking at once began to ask me to come downstairs because there mom needed help..and im trying to get them to tell me whats going on and what is happening and they are trying to tell me..but either way i get up and go downstairs cas they mentioned seizure a a little boy...no idea what i was about to walk in to but all the same i went..and i get to the downstairs apartment and realized that the lil 2 yr old was having a seizure and having trouble breathing and everything..and so once i took in what was going on it was like having a single minded focus on  getting the the little boy..and doing what i could you know...i headed his mom mmy phone and told her to call 911 because i didnt know if anyone had called yet..(to my major disappointment the mom had my phone but did not call 911)  the other mother in the room had tried to help the little boy by holding down his tongue while he was having the seizure..and the problem with that is that the person is going to bite down as a reflex..and when i came into the room she couldnt get her fingers out of his mouth because he had bit down..so first i had to get her hand out..and i touched the little boy and he was hot..i mean really hot..i got them to give me a cold wash cloth and then i got them to give me ice to help cool him off..and the mom who had her hand stuck in his mouth was actually on the phone with 911 thankfully!  i got the kid turned on his side and spent the time just talking to him and trying to cool him down..and hoping that the ambluance would hurry up and get there! while i was with him he was awake but was gasping for breath..he wasnt moving..and i had one hand on the back of his neck and the other hand on his chest..and his heart was beating really really fast and i was talking to him and reassuring him you know...i had to remind the other kids in the room to back up and to give the little boy space ( there were 3 other young kids in the room, 3 adults including me, the baby, and the 2 yr old)  i had to tell everyone what to do..cas i had the kids wanting to help and the adults breaking down..and im the one thats collected and able to see what is going on and do what needs to be done and help out...finally the ambluance comes and the kids mother comes back inside..and is freaking out still..and the paramedics come and take the little boy and the mom is you know yelling and cursing at the paramedics ..and oh it was such a big big mess...i had to stop and process with the other kids and checked to make sure they were ok and all of them were scared and worried you know...i went to the hospital with the mom of my 6yr old client( the downstairs family)..and my anxiety about the whole thing did not start showing until i couldn't find parking at the hospital...oooh i was hot and frustrated and annoyed and all this stuff is going through my mind about this little boy and what has happened and i was just scared and worried but also having to keep it all together ... so finally find a spot and we are going to the emergency room..and the kids mom sees us and calls us over to the critical ccare hospital..she lets me have the visitors pass to go in and see her son..and so i go and  check on him and he is in the little room..he was sitting up and breathing more normally..looked more like his self..you know..and they were still wanting to run tests on him and things and try to figure out what happened and everything..so we left the hospital and went back to my clients house becuase i still needed to get my stuff and everything..and that turned into me having to keep it together for a bit longer because my other client needed to talk about what not about her own stuff..so i stayed...and finally i headed home at about 10:30 last night! started to freak out on the d rive home and my head was on overdrive just thinking about everything that could have happened and if the family had been away from the house and the mom doesnt have a cell phone or anything !  scary scary thougts...and so on the way home i called my sister and talked to her about it all..and then when i realized i was still super amped i called my supervisor and told her everything that had happened and how i was feeling..and she talked me through it and acknowledged my upset feelings at the kids mother for not being there and not helping..and just told me that it is a good thing i was there ... that i was in the right place at the right time..and that i should feel proud of myself...all stuff of course you know that i wouldnt ever in a million years consider..you know..this is me?!  im nobody important..im nothing special at all..and this happens and my supervisor is wwalking around calling me a life safer..my sister is telling me that im a hero..that it is a good thing i was there..but what do i feel? i dont know..im happy i was there ..i am.. and im happy i could help you know...i would never have considered it something special you know...i did what i had to do..and maybe i am playing it down majorly .. ok well i know im playing it down heavily..but it is scary to try and process it all....i found out today that i may be working with the family when the mom enters into services with us..but yeah..that is pretty much a recap on yesterday! ... A LOT happened

recent collages

extreme mood swings.

*my keyboard is on the fritz majorly. so sorry for the mega misspelings*
my mood right now is fairly volatile . im angry at everything.at myself.at work. im angry that i dont fel like im managing. like im a bad person. like im nothing invisible. worthless ashamed. all of it..i took a personal day today and i did some stuff around the apartment that neded to get done you know. i was feeling proud of myself for finaly accomplishing something as menial as cleaning my apartment. but then i got a phone cal about some work stuf and had to leave the house and well being outside in the heat was the first strike. caused a major massive downward spike. the fact that i am trying to conserve gas and not running the air conditioner was the major second strike and i just got cranky and upset and tired. and then i got to my clients place and she wont answer the phone.i wasnt dressed to go in and i most certainly wasnt feeling social at al and so i waited and finally the house guest came out and i asked her to go and get the lady i was trying to reach and she came back and told me that she was asleep and couldnt come out. what the hel! i am doing her a favor and its like fuck it al to hell and i changed my freaking plans to get to her and give her what she asked for.and was it appreciated no!! bloody hell that makes me feel really mad and upset and like i dont mater once again unless someone neds something from me..and im at the library right now and trying hard to calm down. but to make my life better im stressed about a lot of stuf .and struggling with even more stuff and trying to contain my head and everything in it. and i fel like im getting cramps but ive missed my period for like the last 4 months. i have to start the meds again to help get back on track with it. mommy is being nosy and in my business and i want to tell her to leave me alone. i want to be left alone is that so much to ask? i dont want to be called, or see anyone, i want to hide and for it to be quiet. my mood is majorly up and down lately. majorly not ok to just managing and back and forth and just i dont know what to do. i feel crazy. today i fel angry and crazy and it may be best that i go home soon since im feeling so out of control.

not dealing...

right now i think that my personal stuff is beginning to get in the way of work :(  i really do...all that is going on is majorly affecting me and its hard and frustrating and overwhelming..and im trying to manage i am..but i just dont feel like i am at all :(   i just dont know how to manage myself right now..and it sucks..

i have a trip to cancun :)

Finally i can write about this and then i do have to run to work!  so i have a trip to cancun...i got it yesterday at work because i signed up for this vacation package thing..and i have the like free hotel stay and all of that..and i have to pay for getting there..and i have to pay a tax or something when im there..but its like for 500 i can go to cancun for 5 days!! how awesome is that :)  and i am really happy and excited about it.. i really am...i told nia about it last night and i asked yvonne if she wanted to go with me yesterday and she said yes...i wish nia could go too...i really do! but right now the ticket thing is for two kids and two adults..and well i dont have kids lol...and i feel guilty about not being able to take everyone that i want to take but i am happy i asked yvonne...and i think im gonna plan the trip for dec..that way i dont feel so rushed in taking it..but with the membership that i know have for the vacation thing..ill be able to look up all sorts of vacations and stuff..and im gonna try to find one for around my birthday..that would be pretty awesome...seeing if i can find an affordable trip..dont know where im gonna go yet..but ill see if i can talk nia into going somewhere with me ..the ppl have all sorts of trips that are affordable and very very cool!  and now im a member and will get to see all of the trips that are offered and everything that is included..and yeah...maybe theres a trip to maine to see the leaves change :) that would be super cool!

bounce and taji and more taji :)

just rambling

I think that I need to write…my head is empty sorta..but there is so much going on that im not sure what im even doing really..last week was a really bad week..just with everything..and all of the psych doc issues on top of it just doesn’t make things better at all..because I look at my meds and wonder whats the point..im afraid to get in contact with linda be cause she may just tell me that I really cant be helped..or that I need more care than she can give and tell me she wont she me anymore..im still wondering what is wrong with me..im wondering why I have so much wrong with me..why cant I be helped and get better? It makes me sad..very very sad…and the need to take out my feelings on myself are really bad right now…not cutting but doing other stupid stuff..and know better…I don’t know..just trying to cope and I don’t know how and just feeling so trapped and alone with all that is going on..no interest in work or anything ..couldnt deal with work or my clients moods last week..frustrated with them..frustrated with me..i just want a vacation..truly I do…I just want to get away from here..from everything that’s here..dejected I guess..let down..identify the feelings..and why..rejected..thats it..lately im getting rejected a lot L and I don’t know how to deal with it..becuase rejection just triggeres feelings of not being good enough..of not being worth anything..and then I react and need to punish myself for being so stupid or for messing something up..and there is just a lot of negative stuff in my head and I have to figure out how to deal with it..im not totally suicidal..theres movies coming out that I want to see and cant die now…bad timing and everything..but the need to hurt will happen however it is played out..thats my life it seems..

I remember something from my first t…I like playing sims..and play it a lot to well pretty much escape my life..but my t back then stated that I enjoyed controlling someone elses life even if it was fake because I had so much trouble controlling my own life…she was right then..and its still true now..i like controlling the lives of my sims..i create and destroy them at will..i make them into families or kick them out or do whatever I want with there lives…im not stuck when im in sim world..and I can play for hours and ignore everything else…that’s my escape..i have no control in my life now..everything is happening and im just messing up more and more…

whats wrong with me ?

Right its feels like everything is out to get me..like everyone hates me and that im the worst person alive..pdoc dropped me today…and no matter how I try to think about it ..thats what happened…I went for a regular appointment…only to be told that she will not see me anymore..and that I will need to find another pdoc…really ?? you leave the unstable girl with out anyone to manage the meds that I do have..yep that is a nice one..and do you really think that you will be the one I call if I am feeling suicidal ?? cas you forgot I guess that I cut and well you have to explain it to me..spell it out for me because well im feeling really stupid right now…now far into my suicidal thinking I have to get for it to be ok to call? And what makes you think that I would call you ? really?! You have turned my world upside down right now and left me feeling as if I have no support and that no one believes in me..and yes I guess im just another patient..but again for whatever reason im not enough…see my irrational stuff comes up hardcore when things happen like this..my need for higher levels of care came up again in all of this..and that just leaves me feeling crazy…like I just have no hope of getting better at all..like im not ever going to be better..because I haven’t managed to find the care that I need..and so it makes me want to just call it quits with all of it..i don’t want t and I don’t want another pdoc and I don’t want anything..i can manage by myself ..i did it for years..what makes now any different? All I have to do really is make sure I get to work in one way or another…how I get there doesn’t matter…what I do to get there doesn’t matter..and who really cares if I have to cut every day just to lessen the feelings and thoughts and all of that in my head just to remember that I do have to go to work? Who cares about me at all ? and I have to go to work tonight and have to deal with a 6 yr old who is feeling the same way I feel..and I don’t think im up for her stuff today..im not..if she starts acting out ill have to leave..because im not stable enough right now to deal with her stuff and my stuff…ive spent most of the day thinking about how to get ahold of razors…no I don’t think im in the right frame of mind to be around my clients today..i really don’t ..

sibling issues :( (wrote last night)

Im feeling sorta confused and sad tonight..i don’t know why..ok that’s a bit of a lie..i don’t want to acknowledge why…that’s better..thats more true I guess…maybe because acknowledging it just makes the confusion more noticeable or something … I don’t know..i just feel off…

I had a chat this evening with one of my older sisters…the youngest of the 3 older ones I think…but she is just one that I haven’t stayed in contact with…im not big on talking on the phone in general..and so I guess its easy for me to lose track of people..and lose touch with people…but she left when I was still in high school I think…she acted out and went to some program for a while..and I remember that we had to drive for a long time to go and visit her..and I didn’t want to be stuck in the car for all of that time…but anyway she moved out when she was in high school I think..i don’t remember really when…she has 3 sons now…and when they still lived in nc I was around them a bit more and what not…she came by the house and all of that..but still not a real connection or a real relationship I guess..i mean yes shes my sister..but I really cant tell you anything about her life and she cant tell you anything about mine…and its as if we are strangers and just getting to know each other again….it is sad though that her kids have forgotten us…I don’t recognize there voices on the phone..they are all older and not the little kids from forever ago that I remember (sorta)..but that’s not whats making me feel all sad today…when I was ending the convo today my sister stated that she wanted to talk to me more often you know..and that she was sad that she lost contact…she said that you know we grew up together and that you know that’s a big deal..and then she said that I was a loner..and she was off looking for love…and she said that and I felt so sad…and then upset..because part of me just clued in to the last bit at the time and it was like..you left me..you moved on and just forgot about me and being at home..and how could you…depressing isn’t it..but it is making me wonder if I am angry at my siblings ..all of them…some of them?  Or not at all ?  and I think that I am angry..to a certain extent anyway…im angry that there was no one there protecting me..and I was by no means the youngest..and I wasn’t the oldest…there were lots before me ..but only 2 younger than me..and its like where were all of the older ones…by the time it I was old enough to care..they were considered dead to me in a way..they had all moved on ..they had there own lives..they had there own kids..and no one needed me for anything…sometimes they would come back and visit and it was to see mommy you know..not to see me..all I got was a greeting and how are you..thats it…im sure I didn’t put much effort into making conversations … I didn’t like people..family or not..i avoided conversations at all costs..and hid all the other times…and if I had to be around people I was so quiet it was like I wasn’t even there…. Hmm I don’t think I liked my younger sister much…I don’t think we got along all that great at times growing up..now we are fine..and talk fairly often..but back then..i don’t know..i guess I was just so mad at everything or sad about everything..and just upset that I was always having to do stuff..or always having stuff taken away…I think there was a lot of jealous from me..towards my younger siblings..they got everything and I didn’t get much..they got to go out and have fun and I was deathly afraid to ask for anything..my world when I was in middle school and high school revolved around babysitting and school and dance classes..that was it..that was all I did..like ive said before mommy knew where I was 24 hours a day..and crap most of the time I was with her anyway..its not like she had to look for me or figure out where I was at…no she could always pinpoint where I was…but its like I was forever expected to do stuff for my younger siblings..to help them..to make things easier for them…I was the one that was always having to clean up or fix something..i helped with there homework or was asked to do it for them..like papers and what not..if I said no I was selfish and mean..and had to do it anyway…I was expected to go to all of there performances..on all of there out of town trips and what not..i wasn’t as into my younger brothers sports stuff..but by then I was older and mostly off in college and so I missed all of that..had I been home I guess I would hasve been made to go anyway..but still I was the sister that was always around but no one knew me..i watched everything..and said almost nothing..i was always there though..at the performances or pageants that my sister did..i was always watching..but I wasn’t involved..i wasn’t included..it was there lives and I was just a bystander…someone that showed up..and I just I don’t know..i was just there..i know I was treated differently .. and I was the one that mommy told specifically that I couldn’t go places..or that I HAD to stay home when everyone else went somewhere..i wasn’t important enough to go..i wasn’t important enough to be included … I was expected to be at home and to clean up or what ever..its like for a long while I felt like I couldn’t do anything but clean and even then I didn’t do it right and was still in trouble…holidays..family get togethers…they make me panic…they make me worried…I stress myself out worrying so very much about everything that ill have to do or help with…still in the one that’s expected to help out..thats what it is helping..and I should be honored to help..it irks my nerves to be told that I don’t have anything to be sad about..or when im told I should smile more often..or when my depression is questioned by stupid doctors..and I feel that I have to pull back..that I have to go back to pretending that im doing just great because that is all anyone is worried about..gosh my act is good isn’t it? But that’s all it is just an act..just a stupid never ending act..what is it that I have to be happy for ? when my life is just one long, sad, and boring story…ive gotten so caught up in what other people want from me..or what I have to show other people that I have no idea  what it is that I want for myself…going home is another thing that freaks me out…like no medicine in the world helps with that panic..i just panic and worry and stress…I have to prepare myself to be let down..i have to build my walls back up so that I can withstand the hurt that I know will come..i have to prepare myself to go home and it usually takes until I get there to even feel capable of being there…im avoiding going home right now..and that wont last much longer because mommy has started asking when im coming home again to visit..and I don’t know..i don’t want to go home..but eventually ill be worn down enough that I just say ok..and then I just freak out and cant deal..and do all sorts of not so good stuff..and then I go home…get told im not good enough..feel depressed and alone and like I don’t fit in..and then I come back..and then my need to self destruct is at an all time high until I can manage to calm down again and remember that im supposed to be in control of myself…I guess that would be the important thing..im supposed to be in control of myself but when im at home, im not in control of anything..i can barely stay in control of myself when im on the phone with mommy..and its not just a hi and bye conversation..if its one of the long conversations where everything is questioned..then I just fall apart and get defensive..and then I get told that I don’t share enough..that I need to talk to her..and the more she says that ..the less I feel like talking to her..i don’t want to talk to her anyway most of the time..i do a great job of making myself feel horrible without any help at all from her…guess ive learned that lesson wonderfully..crap I cant let the stupid lessons go..and then I don’t know..i feel like sometimes im being asked to do something that I cant accept and cant do..yes I consider myself to be a bad person..a horrible person..and while not many believe me on that one..it is still overwhelming and consuming..and completely believable to me.. I get scared when I start to believe or consider the good stuff…its like why in the world would anyone say anything good about you ? you nothing..not important..invisible..well that would be the nice stuff I say..but I am feeling invisible today..well right now I am feeling pretty invisible and dejected..confused about how I am feeling..wondering how I should feel..supposed to be working on work stuff and instead im just depressed and wanting to go to sleep and forget about everything else..i don’t want to have to deal with anything right now..i want to sleep and forget im alive..that would be nice..and writing this makes me remember that I haven’t taken the second part of my meds for today..you know earlier I actually seriously considered purging..bad bad idea..ok I know that..i do..im not going to purge..my sides hurt enough without adding that back in..ill just do better this week with eating and what not ..no biggie..

-sigh- sometimes I do wonder if ill always be that sad scared little girl who is waiting to be saved..but what do I need to be saved from ?  I need to be saved from myself..i am my own worst enemy..im my own worst everything..and I hate myself enough to cover anyone who even thinks that they make like me (as a friend)..ill be alone forever..ill be forgotten..im back to thinking that I could die tomorrow and no one would notice or care..ive done nothing that is worth anything..and im breathing and just taking up space you know… goodness this is one of those times I wonder if I am bipolar….major massive downward spike.. but tonight writing is making me feel worse..so I guess ill stop for now..

its friday!

yay its friday...i made it to friday...cas goodness i think i was wondering if i would make it or not!  blah..i mean it hasnt been a bad week or anything ...you know nothing over the top that was new or anything..just lots of thinking and driving !

some things have happened money wise thats causing some concerns but im not so worried about it...maybe i should be more worried..i dont know...the energy to worry seems to be leaving me..guess im relearning what i feel like when im on my meds and they are right..i dont worry as much..and its like well 'it is what it is' and ' i can only do so much' ...like im just doing what i can and not worrying about the rest...

but things will be changing more over the summer money wise...the good thing is that im up for a raise!! hooray! next month ill have my eval at work and ill be up for a raise...the suckish part is that ill have to start paying on my student loans..booo... hate those things..there so stupid and i hate owing..so i guess i may as well get used to paying it...blah...but yep my hours at work right now and like golden..im busy..and doing a lot..but im busy...trying to stay on top of notes and all of that..so yeah...

im still in the process of working on winning that triip to florida...there are now two trips being given away for two different things...one is the hotel stay in fla..and the other is a all expense paid trip to cancun...i want both of them!!! but ill take one or the other...crap..i just want a trip...a lady is coming to talk to all us counselors on the 20th about time shares and what not..and thats where the cancun trip is coming from...the 20th is going to be a super busy day..gosh..and i was talking to my supervisor about the trips on umm wed...and there is only one other counselor thats real competition...and im like gonna have to be way on top of things this week with notes..and next week too..ugh...

well i gotta take  cpr and first aid tomorrow morning...essh...not fun..cas i gotta be up at like 6:30! on a freaking saturday!...yuck..im hoping it wont take the entire time..that would stink...hmm guess i gotta remember to eat tomorrow morrning too...fun .. you know my eating lately has been so weird..like i seem to only want salad ( yes i know!!), subway, and tacos....no fast food..cept well the dollar teas from mcdonalds that i cant seem to stop drinking!  but other than that you know ..im not drinking soda..not getting fast food..heck ive been in mcdonalds twice today and both times i just got tea..no food..i had subway for lunch..and i had tacos twice yesterday lol..that was pretty funny....i ran errands today and stuff..and i ventured out a little bit...got my usual junk..and picked up my ' treat' for the week which is a frozen pizza...got lunch stuff..and salad stuff for tacos lol...turkey meat and chicken..no hanburger or anything...did give in though on the hot dogs..cas i did try for the fat free ones..and they werent bad or anyhting you know..but i realize that i also havent had them since ive tried them and thats how i know im not really wanting them...but like i think my meds are kinda killing my appetite too...cas today i missed breakfast...and had subway w/ chips for a real late lunch...and thats it...like right now im thinking about fixing a sandwich or something when i get home...but really im not hungry..i dont know what it is...im trying to stay away from the scale and just weigh myself once a week or something..and yeah my weight is yoyo'ing big time..and i dont know why?!?! but i know that im making better choices food wise...i mean im still eating processed food and stuff..like with the hamburger helper and stuff..even though i am using turkey meat instead of hamburger meat cas its healthier you know..but processed is processed..and but i have to give somewhere you know...i mean im working on getting in more fruits and veggies and all of that..and ive given up a lot of junk food and what not..and im trying hard not to buy stuff that i know ill binge on...so you know im trying ..i really am...and i know its going to take time and everything..and im trying to remember that...and i think the h eat is also affecting my appetite too...its so hot and being hot makes me not want to eat also...so yeah...lots going on...

you know i had a conversation today about surrogacy with a clients parent..is it wrong of me to actually consider this as an option??? is it bad ?? i know that i have some serious concerns when it comes to surrogacy..and how it would work out and stuff..and it worries me ..but not enough to say an absolute no to the option..and yes i know that it will be a while before that is even a real possibility..but its like suddenly there is an option that i can work with you know...one that would lessen my own discomfort over the whole sex and pregnancy thing...and well all of my issues with insemination even...but how would i feel about someone else carrying my baby?  cas you know in every way the child would be mine..my dna and all that good stuff...but another woman will have carried her/him for 9 whole months..that would make things different wouldnt it?  i dont know if it would make things harder or easier...i dont know...but at the same time there is a bit of happiness over the fact that in a few years there will be options you know...although for what ever reason that im obessing over a child right now i dont know why..but yeah..just thoughts i guess..

goodness...just lots to think about today lol...the heat lately is killer and i dont even want to leave the house its so hot outside!!  but yeah taking it easy this weekend...gotta organize work stuff and what not and of course do the never ending paperwork!  fun fun funnnnn

thoughts from therapy

Ok im just out of therapy and my head is spinning big time…so much im trying to think about at once and so much that I am trying to work out and process and figure out now..ill admit she has given me tons to think about and maybe with writing ill be able to remember some of what we talked about..im supposed to write about and think about a couple things..but I have to write to think..and well all of my thinking mostly leads to writing ..so yeah… but im supposed to think about why I feel that I have to protect the world from myself..and how my life would be different if I was happy…the happy one I know ive written about before but it keeps coming up…I still don’t know what makes me happy..or what it is going to take for me to be happy..i just want peace of mind..i want quiet..i wish I could be happy…but im going to hold off on that one because I do want to write about the protection part of it…that conversation really did make me think and well I was thinking so much that I got confused as all heck…linda was right today..and I think that worries me a bit..like she is figuring me out..and no one is able to figure me out..and she is…that makes me nervous…like ive said to much or talked to much…I realized today that I am talking to her..like really talking to her..and its different and it happened slowly and maybe that is why I didn’t notice.. but she was true in that I do hide from the world..i hide from a lot of things and well as much as I try to protect myself from the world..i feel the need to protect the world from me..i feel like I have to protect other people from me..and from my craziness..i feel like I have to protect linda from me and all that I have locked up in my head…I feel like I have to protect my family and appear to be normal..i feel like I have to protect Yvonne and heather and anyone else who knows me because im so horrible and bad and could end up hurting them in some way…I get so caught up thinking about other people and how they are feeling…how my actions are being taken..like its important for me to be able to keep them safe from me..like I am going to have a melt down at any moment and that I cant let them see me for real because t hen they would hate me..and I have such a small window of normalcy…like I have to be so careful and make sure no one is worrying about me..and so I keep a lot of what is going on with me to myself…like its not important enough to talk about..like I have no right to talk about it…I don’t get the chance to be upset or sad or unhappy or depressed..i have to make sure I am seen as happy..becuase that’s the best I can do to keep others away from me..to keep anyone from asking questions about me…that’s how I protect everyone from me…and I just hide the rest…hide behind this massive door like linda said…she said it and I could see it..me locked away in a room in my head..but im afraid of the door that leads me out..im afraid to look at it, or touch it..and I wonder if ill ever really be able to open it..and go out…I get soscared of it..so scared of actually being able to be myself..and to stop pretending..to be okay with someone else knowing that I am struggling and not okay..that is part of my silence..and why I am so good at being silent..i want to keep other people safe..and keeping them safe means that I am allowing myself to continue to suffer..and be afraid ..and feel helpless and confused..linda said that I can only be in control of myself..and that its not for me to try to protect other people…that they are supposed to protect themselves..and I think that is the part that caused me to feel so confused…how can someone else protect themselves?  Isn’t that me giving up control?  How can I trust that someone else is able to protect themselves from me?  Maybe im afraid that if I don’t hide from them they will see through me..see the truth..that im not as okay as I say I am..or I don’t know..the words slip away from me when I think about this part of it…I can understand why I feel the need to protect other people from me..but I cant seem to grasp how to allow someone else to protect themselves…how to allow someone else to make there own decision about me I guess..that part of it scares me..and makes me feel out of sorts..i don’t know how to let go of that need to protect the other person…and I feel like there is a part of this that I am missing..some part of this that I am not seeing and so im not able to understand it all fully..but I don’t know what it is…

Guess that’s all I can say about that for now…

Linda today..hmmm we talked about a lot of stuff..still majorly embarrassing for me to talk about the attraction I felt for my supervisor..it really is..im ashamed of it..embarrassed by it…embarrassed that I was able to even feel attracted to her…im not supposed to want to be attracted to anyone..i don’t want to feel attracted to anything..im afraid of those sorts of relationships..im afraid to be that close to another person..but it started and it started with her..and now she is gone and I am taken in majorly hard…linda told me that it was ok to feel what I was feeling..that its ok to feel sad and rejected..and all of that and that it doesn’t make me a bad person..it makes me human..(and then we had yet another conversation about my lack of wanting to be human..essh) I was validated today in how I was feeling and not laughed at or told that I was making a big deal out of it…I tried to say that I was and linda disagreed with me..and told me that it was a big deal..and that it was ok…and I am sad about it..my supervisor and her leaving L

Oh and I forgot to add in the part about me being a horrible person to the protection bit …hmm guess ill write about that later…goodness this is going to be super long!  But I do have to go soon and head to work for a while…yeah I think tonight will involve a whole lot of writing…I think there is a lot to get off of my mind right now..and I think that my fear about what I wrote..all the old stuff I wrote about..made me afraid to put things down on paper..and ive avoided writing..and I don’t think that is a good idea for me..i need to write..i need to get things out of my head or else ill get stuck and depressed and overwhelmed…

We talked about my need to punish myself..my need to create chaos to feel normal…she explained it to me..and well ive forgotten already..but again its one of those..this is how your childhood has shaped you..and I hate that L  I hate that even now things from my childhood is still shaping me..still affecting me…im tired of how much of a hole my childhood has on me and my life..i wish I could just let all of it go…be able to move on past it…

Linda told me that I have to stop hiding from the world..that I have to start living in the world…that is a scary scary statement…but true at the same time..i am hiding..im existing..im getting by..but im not living…im not L